The Ruby Knight Chronicles

22nd June 2016 Week three at the gold coast.  What a hard, emotional and rather lonely journey my time in Australia has been so far. I've had to step outside my comfort zone more times than ever before and every day brings a new challenge to rise to. The hardest one is by far having to keep myself to myself. At the moment, I have no friends or family here so most of my free time is spent on my own. I've never f elt so isolated in my entire life. I miss everyone back home beyond words and would do anything for an "everything will be ok, love" cuddle. But beginnings are never easy, especially the big ones, and rewards come from hard work and perseverance, so I'll just keep trucking along like I always do until life gets easier/better. On the flipside, there are many positives that have come from jumping the ditch, and I'm very grateful to the family I live with who have given me the opportunity for a new life. I'm living in a beautiful house and hav...

  Come See Ruby On Facebook 3rd May 2016 I've been in aussie for about 5 weeks or so now. It was going swimmingly but this week I just can't seem to shake this heavy feeling off from my head and heart. Missing home. Missing my cat. Missing my family. But mostly I'm missing this amazing little guy.  I'm taking things a day at a time but this week is just so not a good week. I feel so out of place, like I don't belong here. Like an intrud er almost. I was really lucky to have my friend and her family take me in, and they've been really great, but I just can't shake this offness. It's like when you go to a party and you don't know anyone and everyone has grown up together and they all have their stories and inside jokes and memories. And you're just like this random loser laughing when everyone else laughs without even knowing what you're laughing about. You try to fit in, and you get little snippets of feeling like a part of the team, b...

Come See Ruby On Facebook Do you ever just have days where you feel so unplugged from the world around you? Those days where you try your hardest to reattach to everyone and everything but it seems the harder you try, the more you seem to just drift away from it all. Where you feel like you're drowning underneath this invisible all-encompassing all-consuming blanket of just nothingness and everythingness all at once, and n othing you do can free you from its suffocating grip. You're worthless. Invisible. Villainous. Ostracized. Nothing. And no one even seems to notice just how hard it is for you to breath. No one sees that blanket of fear and guilt and shame and anxiety that's bearing down on you slowly strangling the life from your body. No one recognises your desperate gasps for normality. You're alone. And that's simultaneously the best and worst part of all of it. That's just a glimpse into how it feels to live with depression. A slight scratch o...

Come See Ruby On Facebook 17th April 2016 I'm a bit of a lone wolf at heart. I'm so used to doing everything by myself and whenever I'm sick or going through something, I retreat and deal with things on my own without people even noticing something was wrong. I've never really had anyone that pushed through the barriers I create and force their way in to help me. On rare occasions I get my parents involved but for the most part I tend to remain closed off and stubbornly independent. I think it stems from not wanting to be a burden on anyone. And that stems from not feeling confident in myself enough to feel comfortable reaching out. And also from being the "go to" person. The one that rolls their sleeves up and does what needs doing without a second thought. When that's a part of your nature, you tend to just crack on with things without looking for other's involvement. Sometimes being so independent is a blessing because I feel co...

Come See Ruby On Facebook I've never used to be the type of person that would talk about their feelings. I used to think I could get through life like this, until I met my first serious boyfriend. My lack of emotional communication skills often led to some very heated exchanges. I would let my hurts and annoyances fester inside of me until they became too big to contain and would end up erupting in a slew of cursewords and  abuse. It got so bad that my ex felt too scared to talk to me about anything. I knew I had to make a change but I just didn't know how. So with any new venture I take in life, I started slow. I began by being honest with myself about my feelings rather than burying them deep down and forgetting about them until it was too late. I quickly learned that I was a very sensitive person and that people's words and actions affected me deeply and often. At first I thought my sensitivity was a major flaw, but now I know it's one of my greatest st...

All my adult life, I've been the go to person. The rock. The shoulder. The reliable one. The one that pulls up her sleeves to get stuck in and do the hard dirty work. I left my own life and ambitions behind for my ex. I did it again when my parents divorced. And I'm doing it still for my grandparents. I get genuinely upset when others are upset and I try really hard to help out when and how I can. I've sacrificed so much and given so much of myself and life away to others, and it never seems to come back when I need it. I've been so helpful and generous that people just expect it from me now, so acknowledgement and appreciation are seemingly always overlooked. I deal with all my issues and problems on my own, not because I want to, but because no one is ever around when I need them, they only reappear in my life when they need me again. I'm sick of being everyone's doormat and boxing bag. I'm sick of being the one that always misses out so others don...

Come See Ruby On Facebook Thank you for holding my handbag without flinching every time I need to use the loo.  Thank you for giving me your jersey when it's cold even though you told me it would be cold and I should take a jacket but I chose to ignore you because my outfit was on point. Thank you for holding my hand even when it's sweatier than a fat man's crotch in a sauna. Thank you for letting me touch your eyelashes because they're so dark and long and pretty. Thank you for massaging my feet after a long day in the very shoes you told me would hurt my feet. Thank you for saying "good morning beautiful" to me even when I wake up looking like a sasquatch that's been electrocuted. Thank you for pretending you don't hear me fart. Thank you for putting on my necklaces and bracelets even when the clasps are ridiculously tiny in your giant manhands. Thank you for letting me warm my icicle feet up on your body. Thank you for getting excited every tim...

Come See Ruby On Facebook Once upon a time there was a girl who was best of friends with a boy.  He looked like Ben Harper. He was crazy and funny and as open and honest as I was. I loved him from the moment we first talked to each other. He was my friend's older sister's boyfriend's friend. I remember being really excited about seeing him whenever I arrived to see my friend. But we weren't fast friends though. I was too busy being a skank and he was too busy probably being the same thing. I'm not even sure how we got each other's numbers but a few years later we caught up and were as thick as thieves. Harper was my comedian when I was having a bad day. He was my assassin when someone hurt me. And my masseuse when my back was achey. He is to this day one of the funniest people I've ever met and one of my most loyal friends. We got up to all kinds of mischief together and one of my favourite New Years was spent in his garage talking the night away high o...

I've always had a lot on my plate. I'm the sort of person that goes out of my way to help others and that usually means others go out of their way to find me when they need help. When you're constantly the go-to person, it can all get a bit much at times so you need to be able to give yourself some sort of release. And for over a decade, smoking was my release. Whenever I was stressed; I'd smoke.  Whenever I was happy; I'd smoke. Whenever I was sad; I'd smoke. After meals. Before bed. In the car. While drinking. After errr... adult activities. During a run even. Smoking had started off as a rare social thing and slowly but surely, it had crept its way into all areas of my life. I was so hooked that even when I was in the hospital, I found a way to sneak out for a puff. I knew something had to change. I don't even know the exact day that I quit but it's over 6 months ago now. It wasn't a special day. I think it might have been a Sunday. I don'...

When I complain about being alone, it doesn't mean I'm desperate enough to date just anybody that puts their hand up.  I tried to fill the true love void with lots of lovers in my teens and I only ended up feeling worse. I know I might face many more days of being alone but I will never concede defeat in something so important to me as love. Even if it means waking up as a single 60-something yea r old with 60-something cats. Some alone days are harder than others. Those are the days I voice my wish of finding romantic love. But just because I'm willing to admit I'm feeling lonely, doesn't mean I'm willing to be with just anyone so that I'm not alone. Don't tell me to settle. Don't recite to me the 'pros of being single' list. Don't point out every man and his dog that's offered to be my lover, there's a reason I haven't acted upon the requests, trust in my inactivity. Don't belittle or judge me for my day of lonely ...

Today was a fat day. I woke up feeling fat. Every item of clothing that wasn't washing felt uncomfortable on. All my photos from today made me look fat. I felt guilty every time I ate. I kept catching myself holding my tummy like a pregnant chick does with her baby bump so it's pretty obvious that even my self conscious is feeling fat. Wednesday was brought to Ruby by the word 'fat'. Arghhh! Mos t of the time, my weight doesn't bother me. Of course I'd like to have the rest of Scarlett Johansson's body (it's fine Scar, I've got the tits part covered, you're good) but that isn't gonna happen until I'm settled in Aussie and joined up at a gym again. I told myself that my last fortnight in NZ would be worryfree but today just had to go and ruin that. Even when you're a confident curvy mamacita with zero fucks to give, sometimes fucks find you and then they make you give them. So you feel fat. And then fat overcomes you. And all o...

I was reading through a book called "Dressing Up Vintage" by Tracy Tolkien, and was amazed at some of the fashion facts that I had no idea about. Like did you know that in 1943, billionaire eccentric Howard Hughes, most famous for his contributions to the Aviation industry, invented the Cantilever Underwire Bra? He designed it for  his then girlfriend Jane Russell, to be used in the filming of the movie "The Outlaw", and it's sole purpose was to emphasise her already ample assets. Whilst the book was rather limiting in its substance, it got me intrigued about what other fascinating styles and inventions that may have arisen during the mid part of 1900's. I wanted to completely focus on the Fifties but the more I researched, the more I became overwhelmed with things that occurred before the "Golden Era". I put some thought into it, and decided I didn't want to be pigeon-holed into such a limited duration of time, especially as I live and bre...

The other day I watched my 78 year old, 6-stroke surviving, dementia-gaining, half-paralysed Nanna, get up and walk to the loo without asking for anyone's help. Earlier we had talked about her needing to exercise her legs to stop them from hurting, and somehow she remembered our talk and decided to be proactive. Against all the odds she's facing, even as grim as her outlook might be at times, she  still has some fight in her. I watched her and thought "that's the Nan I remember. That's my warrior Nan". When I was about 15, I did work experience with a photographer from a local newspaper. We had spent the morning taking photos of a store opening in some little nowhere town, and I was beginning to think I'd picked the wrong career experience. And then a call came over the radio and all of a sudden we were rushing off to the next town which was by the sea. We arrived at the fishing wharf and on the jetty were dozens of police and ambulance staff. A man ha...

When people don't like me, it really gets under my skin. I pride myself on being a people person. I like to be liked. I try hard to maintain relationships and would do anything to help a friend in need. Most of the time, I end up giving much more than I ever get back, and it's become such a common occurrence that I'm actually surprised when a friend is a friend back to me. And that's a little bit  depressing really.  Just recently a girl I thought was my friend, blocked me on Facebook. I've been there for her for work commitments, birthday parties, relationship struggles, tragedies, etc. And not once has she ever returned the favour. And I never expected her to. Looking back now, it's pretty obvious that she just used me, but that doesn't stop the hurt of being tossed aside without rhyme or reason. I don't have a lot of friends, and none in the area that I live. So the ones that I do give my friendship to, they usually mean much more to me ...

I've been bullied, assaulted, neglected, backstabbed, raped, abused, forgotten, ignored, mocked, harassed, suicidal, broke, sick, unstable and so so so much more throughout my 28 short years. And every time I've gone through something, I've thought it was the end of me.  I'd cry nonstop. Then sleep nonstop. Then eat nonstop. I just never dealt with my issues positively. I wanted people to care fo r me when I didn't care for myself. I wanted to blame the world for what was going on inside of me. I wanted to be the victim. But there was no superhero that came to save the day. Sure people tried to make things better for me but my mindset and attitude ensured they were never successful. Feeling sorry felt too good. Self-pity is a seductive mistress with an addictive hold. As with any addiction, eventually you overcome it, or it overcomes you. I knew I had to save myself. So one day I changed my name so that I could always be my own Knight in shining armour, and then...

You're far more valuable than you think. Have you ever felt like no one would ever notice if the earth just gobbled you up and you were never to be seen again? Have you ever sat in a bathroom at school or work, just to eat your lunch alone without looking like such an outcast? Have you ever been so lonely that you find yourself reaching out to complete strangers online just to have some semblance  of normal human interaction? I have. To all of the above. And there are days when worthlessness and loneliness team up to become a self-esteem super-villain and they just pick away at my guards until I'm completely broken and utterly vulnerable to their negativity. Those are the days when I can't look in the mirror. Where my greatest achievements mean nothing. When nothing anyone says can convince me that I'm worth more than what I'm giving to, and getting for, myself. The days that would never exist if I just believed that I was enough. I've always felt inadequate...

I didn't know what no meant, until it was too late. For such a little word, it is pretty mighty. Often we're taught by the world around us to believe that the word 'no' is something negative. It is the difference between having and not having, doing and not doing. 'No' is the spoiler of unimaginable childhood dreams, of potential whirlwind love affairs and of the continuation of bloodlines. We c an begin to fear 'no' and then make the mistake of under-utilising it, with both others, and ourselves. As much as my family would contend it, I hate confrontation and I try to avoid it at all costs. So often I end up saying 'yes' when I actually really wanted to say 'no'. Usually this means my own wants and needs are put on the backburner as a sacrifice for the wants and needs of someone else. But now as I look back on my life so far, I realise just how much I've given up, and just how little I've got in return for it all. Before ...

What is the point of life? Personally, I think it's to love. But often we forget that love isn't just of the romantic kind. For some reason, being single is considered a kind of social flaw. It's almost like if you're not with someone, then there must be something wrong with you. And all the days and events aimed at couples, like Valentine's Day, only add to those feelings of loneliness and inad equacy. The worst single lady moment for me is when another single soldier falls and becomes engaged, leaving the small group of us singles alone in the trenches forevermore, or at least until divorce. After 8 months of breakup recovery, I'm finally trying to work out how to do everything by myself again. Although if I'm being honest, I'm actually quite used to it because my last boyf wasn't so crash hot at the whole boyf thing. However the fact that I HAVE to do stuff alone now, whereas before I only PROBABLY had to do stuff alone, well, that fact isn...

You don't know what's worth living for until you're facing your own demise. I've always been a sensitive soul, although I'm sure some friends and family members would probably describe it more as 'dramaqueenness'. I remember being about 5 or 6 years old and every time we went to our local video store, I'd try to get my parents to hire out this awesome looking animal tape from the kids castle. It  had heaps of cute bunnies on the cover, and I had a pet rabbit called 'George', so I was certain I'd absolutely love this movie. But Mum always said no. I thought she was being mean. She wasn't. She was just protecting my sensitiveness. The movie was 'Watership Down'. I'm 28 now and I'm yet to see the movie or read the book. I hired it out from the library one time, but the cover photo depicting a rabbit trap meant I never actually even turned the front cover over. I know my sensitivity limitations. But it's taken me all m...

This photo is from last year and this girl doesn't know that she doesn't know who she is. I've always been a people person. I have this weird ability to read people and situations quite accurately and I'm creepily super observant. If something isn't quite right, it'll catch my eye, people included. You'd be amazed at how much a person gives away without even realising it. Having these "super powe rs" means I can usually acknowledge, understand and then adapt myself to fit in well with different people from different walks of life. But it also means I'm so caught up being different Ruby's for all the different groups, that it's all too easy to lose sight of who the real Ruby is. As well as being a people person, I'm a people pleaser. I don't like seeing others upset or hurt or going without and so I'm that clichéd person that gives their shirt away. In a perfect world where unicorns pop out rainbow poop, my generosity...