The Ruby Knight Chronicles

One thing I cannot stand is when people take their shit out on other people that don't deserve it. Sure we all have bad days, but that doesn't excuse poor behaviour. I used to be a right selfish cunt like that though. When I was younger. But somehow age and maturity linked up and taught me how to handle my jandal with a little more finesse. If I'm feeling miserable, I sleep. If I'm grumpy, I slee p. If I'm sick, I sleep. So I sleep a lot  😂  but at least I'm not making innocent bystanders wear my shit anymore. I used to be friends with a grown ass woman, who would throw tantrums like a ladybaby making everyone around her feel awkward and attacked. She would often use excuses to justify her outbursts but excuses never outshine the bullshit so eventually everyone ended up drifting away from her. And last I heard she was living in a tiny little unit with no company other than a cat and Netflix. That can't be a very happy or fulfilling life. I actually ...

#1 Money is like sex, you only miss it when you don't have it. So just have lots of it. Money and sex. Two birds one tip. Problems solved.  #2 Every ex you've ever had will never have better than you. It's a fact. Don't stalk them on Facebook OK. Just trust me. Their new partners suck. Probably. #3 No one gives a shit about what kind of car you drive. Unless it's a monster truck. Bitches love monster trucks. #4 Chocolate is not the enemy. Chocolate-wannabe sultanas are. Stop the chocolate hate crime  #freethechocolate #5 Everyone's genitals look funny. It's for entertainment purposes. Icebreakers if you will. Why else would we have them?! #6 Farting silently and acting innocent is still one of the funniest things one can do with excretions from an orifice. Unless you laugh your drink out through your nose. That shit is funny. #7 Cellulite is the Braille version of bedroom eyes. #8 Anyone who receives an unauthorized vision rape by way of dick pic, ha...

So I jumped on the Netflix bingewatch bandwagon and started watching  13 Reasons Why  and I have to say, I didn't think that it would affect me so profoundly. But it has. I didn't know much about the show before I started watching but I've sat here for ages absolutely hooked. And it's not just because it's a well-written show, it's because it's real. It happens. The suicide rates, especially amon gst our youth, are only further proof that it happens. These are not just statistics. These are real people with real hurts that are so painful that they cannot see past them. The victims are real. And you might think that it doesn't affect you, but it does. We've all been the victims of others. Of words. Of rumours. Of bullying. Everything we do has the potential to affect others, be it good or bad. Everything we do has consequences. The rise of social networking only helped open further the door of social humiliation, social harassment and social h...

Suicide. We've all been touched by it. We've all witnessed the devastation it creates in our lives. We've all seen the heartache it leaves behind. It's easy to be angry at suicide. It's easy to blame suicide for everything. It's easy to lose sight of why suicide came into your life.  But just remember, suicide isn't the culprit. Suicide is the escape route. The shortcut to relief. The short-term "right here right now" and not the long-term "time heals give it time". Suicide is the easy. When you're so overwhelmed with sadness or regret or pain or anger, that's all you can see. That's all you can think about. That's all you feel. Logic leaves. Hurt overrides. And nothing that should matter, can matter anymore. But you mustn't take suicide personally. Don't let it overcome your feelings for your loved one that's succumbed to it or attempted it. Don't let it make you feel like a failure or a mistake or...

We're such a selfish society. We take everything that everyone says and does and we turn it into being about ourselves. Someone gets 1475357 likes on their post after you've posted something incredibly similar beforehand yet you've only received 4 likes, including a pity thumbs up from mum. Obviously something is wrong with you. Let's disregard the logical facts that said post-copier might have m ore friends/family/stalkers/ etc. Or their Facebook fans might be more proactive than yours. Or they posted at a time when more people would see it than yours. Or a million other reasons that don't actually have anything to do with you or your selfworth or how people see you. But regardless of all that sense and reason, you still take this shit uber personally and get decidedly depressed because post-copycatter is clearly way cooler than you'll ever be. Doesn't that sound like some seriously self-absorbed bullshit? And we do this kind of thing all the time. ...

Once upon a time there was a girl who the universe decided to impart its wisdom upon. But the universe is not all stars and moons, so with this wisdom came great challenge and sacrifice for the girl. She had heartache and tragedy thrust upon her. She was tested by the universe. It wanted to see if she was worthy of all it had to give her. Her first test was strength.  The universe saw that the gi rl had become separated from the good of mankind and darkness had fallen on her weak heart. She was following the path of the wrong and the unjust. She knew that her journey was not honorable but she ignored the signs that the universe sent her and continued to trek her way into the abyss. Finally the universe grew tired of her wandering and sent to her its first big challenge. After the girl was beaten and raped, the universe sent small comfort by way of its beautiful night sky and the companionship of a fellow wanderer to soften the girl's ordeal. And then the universe waited. Wh...

Something powerful comes from knowing your worth. I've always pretended to have self confidence, but deep down underneath it all, I'm a total shambles. I used to think that if I lost enough weight, had whiter teeth, danced better, had blonder hair, was richer, etc than I'd be beautiful. I'd be desirable. I'd be worthy of love. But I tried all of that. I changed who I was and what I looked like m ore often than a stripper changes gstrings. And none of it changed how I felt inside. I was never good enough. For anyone. Or so I thought. It turns out that I really was just never good enough for myself. But as I approach my 30th birthday, I realise I've wasted so much of my life caring way too fucking much about way too fucking little. And all of that mindguff has done nothing but lead me down dead end streets with dead end results. I've let myself sink into a lovelife limbo in the hopes that my ex will wake up one day and realise he can't live without...

2nd July 2016 Word to the wise; don't get sick in aussie if you don't have medicare. So I spent last night in the ER. What started off as a migraine turned into an abscess turned into a severe sinus infection. After 6hrs in the waiting room in pain without painkillers, I was fiiiiiinally taken in to be seen by a doctor. In my 12hr stay, I had to give 3 urine samples (try peeing into a tiny cup 3 times withou t your hand wearing it, those odds are not in your favour), had needles in both arms and eventually the lure pierced through my artery pumping my right arm and hand full of fluids like Nutty Professor style, was given a morphine overdose and had my blood pressure skyrocket to stroke material and then my poor wee heart was thumping harder than a Kardashian on tape which lead to a full blown anxiety attack that I was growled for by a cuntpunch of a nurse (because anxiety is toooooootally something we can control...), gloriously vomited profusely into 2 sick ba...

26th June 2016 I learnt 3 things this weekend; #1 not everyone that cares, listens. #2 not everyone that listens, doesn't care. #3 not everyone that karaokes, sings. If it wasn't for the random yet much-needed invitation out to karaoke night by a lovely young chap, and pita pit (can't get enough of the stuff) the weekend would have been a bit of a bust really (after a full day spent searching for a Dita dress to no avail). I had so much fun on my surprise excursion that I even ended up singing in front of the room full of inebriated strangers, much against the advice from my brain and much to do with the encouragement from fellow karaokers and alcoholic beverages. I had resigned myself to weekends and free time spent mostly alone with Cookie Cats (like candy crush but with cute cats  🐈 ) and was ready for bed before 8pm last night. And then along came a friendly albeit completely unexpected message inviting me for a night out, in the hopes that I wouldn...

22nd June 2016 Week three at the gold coast.  What a hard, emotional and rather lonely journey my time in Australia has been so far. I've had to step outside my comfort zone more times than ever before and every day brings a new challenge to rise to. The hardest one is by far having to keep myself to myself. At the moment, I have no friends or family here so most of my free time is spent on my own. I've never f elt so isolated in my entire life. I miss everyone back home beyond words and would do anything for an "everything will be ok, love" cuddle. But beginnings are never easy, especially the big ones, and rewards come from hard work and perseverance, so I'll just keep trucking along like I always do until life gets easier/better. On the flipside, there are many positives that have come from jumping the ditch, and I'm very grateful to the family I live with who have given me the opportunity for a new life. I'm living in a beautiful house and hav...

It's not hard to be a good friend but for some reason, so many of us get it completely wrong. Friendship breakups, or 'friendups' as I like to call them, can be just as damaging and painful as romantic breakups. Yet barely anyone seems to acknowledge them, let alone reflect upon and learn from them. So the vicious friendup cycle is able to continue on and on completely under the radar. I decided  to put together a little list of what I think it takes to be a good friend. The bare essentials to friendship. Of course every bond is different but without these core qualities, just about every friendship will suffer. The first step to having a strong and happy friendship is trust. One of the worst things you could do to a friend is betray their confidence. Once you've destroyed their trust, everything else suffers for it and eventually that friend will drift away. You both need to be able to come to each other with things no one else can or should know about, and...

5th May 2016 Sometimes it feels like you're going backwards regardless of how hard you try to go forward. These are moments where you either sit back crying "why me?" or you dust yourself off and push on even harder.  Today I woke up at 3am with a full on flu. Kept myself in isolation so no one else in the house would get it and at 2pm I was sick of the four walls of my room so got my running gears on and too k it all out on the pavement. On my run I discovered a few things. I'm really reeeeeeally unfit. My sports bra is amazingly supportive. I love pushing myself physically. And now the flu seems to be on the way out. So what started as a meh day ended as a fuck yeah day. Small victories. Until next time, Ruby xx Come see Ruby on Facebook: www.facebook.com/trkchronicles

  Come See Ruby On Facebook 3rd May 2016 I've been in aussie for about 5 weeks or so now. It was going swimmingly but this week I just can't seem to shake this heavy feeling off from my head and heart. Missing home. Missing my cat. Missing my family. But mostly I'm missing this amazing little guy.  I'm taking things a day at a time but this week is just so not a good week. I feel so out of place, like I don't belong here. Like an intrud er almost. I was really lucky to have my friend and her family take me in, and they've been really great, but I just can't shake this offness. It's like when you go to a party and you don't know anyone and everyone has grown up together and they all have their stories and inside jokes and memories. And you're just like this random loser laughing when everyone else laughs without even knowing what you're laughing about. You try to fit in, and you get little snippets of feeling like a part of the team, b...

Come See Ruby On Facebook Do you ever just have days where you feel so unplugged from the world around you? Those days where you try your hardest to reattach to everyone and everything but it seems the harder you try, the more you seem to just drift away from it all. Where you feel like you're drowning underneath this invisible all-encompassing all-consuming blanket of just nothingness and everythingness all at once, and n othing you do can free you from its suffocating grip. You're worthless. Invisible. Villainous. Ostracized. Nothing. And no one even seems to notice just how hard it is for you to breath. No one sees that blanket of fear and guilt and shame and anxiety that's bearing down on you slowly strangling the life from your body. No one recognises your desperate gasps for normality. You're alone. And that's simultaneously the best and worst part of all of it. That's just a glimpse into how it feels to live with depression. A slight scratch o...

Come See Ruby On Facebook Sometimes when everything goes wrong, and keeps going wrong, we get caught up in this vicious cycle of fear and comfort. Fear of change, the unknown, more failure, going it alone. And comfortable in the chaos because it's what we're used to. What we know. What we begin to expect from life. Until you're ready to seek new horizons, your circumstances will never get any better. Sure if you start ane w, you might fail. But even greater; you might succeed. Never be afraid to step out on a ledge in life. Fear is nothing but a limitation you put on yourself. You deserve to live a fulfilling and abundant and amazing life. Stop selling yourself short because you're too scared or too comfortable to get out in the world and chase your dreams. The only wasted life is one filled with wasted opportunities. Be brave. I was a month ago when I decided to move countries and start again, and I've never been happier. Until next time, Ruby xx

Come See Ruby On Facebook 17th April 2016 I'm a bit of a lone wolf at heart. I'm so used to doing everything by myself and whenever I'm sick or going through something, I retreat and deal with things on my own without people even noticing something was wrong. I've never really had anyone that pushed through the barriers I create and force their way in to help me. On rare occasions I get my parents involved but for the most part I tend to remain closed off and stubbornly independent. I think it stems from not wanting to be a burden on anyone. And that stems from not feeling confident in myself enough to feel comfortable reaching out. And also from being the "go to" person. The one that rolls their sleeves up and does what needs doing without a second thought. When that's a part of your nature, you tend to just crack on with things without looking for other's involvement. Sometimes being so independent is a blessing because I feel co...

Come See Ruby On Facebook As much as I like to think I'm a badass warrior bitch queen with full body armour made of dragon's scales and diamonds, sometimes things can still get to me. And more often than not, they're things that appear to be only insignificant and small. But usually they're the last straws. I don't often let the chaos of the world, and of others, enter my life, but some days I'm feeling a little sad or ti red or unwell or I just had a bad day. And on those days I'm weaker than usual. And vulnerable. And these things can then manage to find a way in past my armour and strike me right in the heart. And it hurts more than it should because these seemingly tiny little things have momentum. They're powered by all the other things that have struck me in the past and all the ones that tried to get in to hurt me but couldn't until this one little thing paved the way. And suddenly they've overcome me. And I feel like I'm wounde...

Come See Ruby On Facebook I've never used to be the type of person that would talk about their feelings. I used to think I could get through life like this, until I met my first serious boyfriend. My lack of emotional communication skills often led to some very heated exchanges. I would let my hurts and annoyances fester inside of me until they became too big to contain and would end up erupting in a slew of cursewords and  abuse. It got so bad that my ex felt too scared to talk to me about anything. I knew I had to make a change but I just didn't know how. So with any new venture I take in life, I started slow. I began by being honest with myself about my feelings rather than burying them deep down and forgetting about them until it was too late. I quickly learned that I was a very sensitive person and that people's words and actions affected me deeply and often. At first I thought my sensitivity was a major flaw, but now I know it's one of my greatest st...

All my adult life, I've been the go to person. The rock. The shoulder. The reliable one. The one that pulls up her sleeves to get stuck in and do the hard dirty work. I left my own life and ambitions behind for my ex. I did it again when my parents divorced. And I'm doing it still for my grandparents. I get genuinely upset when others are upset and I try really hard to help out when and how I can. I've sacrificed so much and given so much of myself and life away to others, and it never seems to come back when I need it. I've been so helpful and generous that people just expect it from me now, so acknowledgement and appreciation are seemingly always overlooked. I deal with all my issues and problems on my own, not because I want to, but because no one is ever around when I need them, they only reappear in my life when they need me again. I'm sick of being everyone's doormat and boxing bag. I'm sick of being the one that always misses out so others don...

I've never been shy about my past. I've done things I'm embarrassed about and things I regret, but there's nothing I can do to change what's already been done so I know not to beat myself up for my faults or mistakes. One of the things that people seem to judge me for the most is my sexual history and my openness about it. I LOVE sex. More than most men do even. I think it's the best thing about b eing a human being. Nothing beats sex. The feeling. The connection. The release. The love. But it wasn't always so special to me. In the beginning it was just a means to an end. I felt unloved and unworthy of love for most of my life and I went looking for it in all the wrong bedrooms. I mistook lust for love and became more and more desperate in my search for romance and fulfillment. I was a late bloomer, my first time was when I was just about 18. I had just changed schools and was hanging out with a girl that did drugs and had dodgy friends. One of her frien...