The Ruby Knight Chronicles

For any kiwis thinking about traveling across Australia, here's a few handy pointers; 1. Check under every toilet seat. Use your foot for bonus points. Just trust me on this.  2. Don't be afraid to take the road less traveled. Just make sure you've got roadside rescue because sitting in the middle of nowhere in desert-like heat is a wee bit of a holiday downer. 3. Do not swim anywhere unless it's chlorinated. Sharks, crocs, jellyfish and snakes don't seem to like swimming pools. 4. You might think sunblock is for pussies but just wait and see how tough you are when your nipples are peeling. 5. If you're driving cross country, be prepared for a fuck load of nothing. Scenic routes usually mean hours of staring at dirt. 6. Kangaroos suck. Don't let their cute confuse you. They're large suicidal assholes that rejoice in fucking your car's shit right up. Extra tip- drive when the sun is up, roos are apparently scared of the sun. 7. Petrol prices h...

Yesterday marked a huge anniversary for me;  ONE ENTIRE YEAR IN AUSTRALIA! I never thought that I'd survive this far away from my family and friends but after the hellish first six months came an amazing following six months. I love my life and I've never been so happy, even if I'm sometimes homesick. This past year I've made some incredible friends, landed the most insanely satisfying and rewarding job with the best bosses anyone could ask for and found a second family that loves and supports me unconditionally. I've traveled across the country, seeing and doing things I never thought possible. I've overcome humongous hardship and heartache, with the help of three very special ladies that I'm so lucky to have in my life. I've seen the Queen Dita Von Teese perform live and hugged a koala, knocking two things off my bucket list in a matter of months. I've booked and paid for an amazing holiday coming up in six months where I'll meet my Mum...

My Nan was my hero growing up. I was the first granddaughter and she always wanted a girl herself so she basically stole me from my parents lol I have so many amazing memories with this wonder woman and I'm so blessed to have been given such an incredible grandmother. She's 80 this year. She's had 6 confirmed strokes, is half paralysed, had one hip operation and is fighting off the ugly disease  that is dementia. She's nothing like she used to be. Especially independence wise. But every now and then, when she cracks up laughing or has random memory flashes, the old Nan shines right through. One of the hardest parts about getting older is watching your elders age too. And what makes it worse is when they're struggling just to live day to day. Before I left NZ, my Nan was allocated 28hrs for a caregiver to come look after her while my Grandad is at work. She needs almost full time care as she's getting very confused lately and is very prone to falls, hence...

Come See Ruby On Facebook   14th April 2016 I actually did it. I moved country. I got on a plane with a suitcase of things and flew to the very end of Australia. I've been here two weeks now and I still can't quite believe it. Biggest scariest thing I've ever done in my life. Asides from missing my brother and cat like mad, it's been an amazing adventure so far. Let me take you riiiiight back to the start. Thursday night. Night before I leave Kawerau. After an ordeal with my passport being mucked up and then having to pay for it to be rushed and freaking the freak out about it, all was thankfully sorted out miraculously and my passport awaited me in Auckland. All of my last night at home I'm frantically going through my years of collecting hoarder stuff because I ALWAYS leave things to the last minute. Threw out 14 bags of things I no longer needed/wanted. Filled my dad's spare room. Loaded my suitcases. Said my goodbyes. Made them casual and...

What is the point of life? Personally, I think it's to love. But often we forget that love isn't just of the romantic kind. For some reason, being single is considered a kind of social flaw. It's almost like if you're not with someone, then there must be something wrong with you. And all the days and events aimed at couples, like Valentine's Day, only add to those feelings of loneliness and inad equacy. The worst single lady moment for me is when another single soldier falls and becomes engaged, leaving the small group of us singles alone in the trenches forevermore, or at least until divorce. After 8 months of breakup recovery, I'm finally trying to work out how to do everything by myself again. Although if I'm being honest, I'm actually quite used to it because my last boyf wasn't so crash hot at the whole boyf thing. However the fact that I HAVE to do stuff alone now, whereas before I only PROBABLY had to do stuff alone, well, that fact isn...

This photo is from last year and this girl doesn't know that she doesn't know who she is. I've always been a people person. I have this weird ability to read people and situations quite accurately and I'm creepily super observant. If something isn't quite right, it'll catch my eye, people included. You'd be amazed at how much a person gives away without even realising it. Having these "super powe rs" means I can usually acknowledge, understand and then adapt myself to fit in well with different people from different walks of life. But it also means I'm so caught up being different Ruby's for all the different groups, that it's all too easy to lose sight of who the real Ruby is. As well as being a people person, I'm a people pleaser. I don't like seeing others upset or hurt or going without and so I'm that clichéd person that gives their shirt away. In a perfect world where unicorns pop out rainbow poop, my generosity...

Rant ahead. Excuse the over-abundance of obscenities and sexual references about to follow but photos like this kick me right in my ladyrage balls. I fucking hate the double standard that allows men absolute sexual freedom but shackles the netherflowers of women across the world. I fucking hate the judgement that a sexually-confident mamacita endures whenever she chooses to live her life from outside the kitchen she's supposed to hide in. And i fucking hate the misogynist attitudes that photos like this not only arouse but also give birth to. What a woman (or man for that matter) does with their genitals shouldn't affect you unless they're your partner or your patient. Why the mother fuck does it matter if Maude has slept with 19 partners? How does that make her a bad person? Why when women are sold as sexual objects daily is that, on the whole, socially acceptable, but people lose their shit if a chick likes to regularly smush their privates with the privates of othe...

There's always a huge buzz whenever female stars are caught on camera without their war paint on because, heaven forbid, they're not the perfect godlike beings we/they like to make out that they are. It makes it really hard for us normal everyday average ladettes to get by without spending the better half of our mornings getting ready for the day as if we were about to walk the runway at fashion week. I recently tried going a couple days without a touch of makeup, and not only did I become a total recluse, but when I did absolutely horrendously have to make a public appearance, I was subjected to a barrage of questions starting at "are you tired love?" and ending at "Jesus Mary and Joseph, it's nothing serious is it?!!". To which I had to reply "no I'm just ugly but thanks for pointing it out" 😂:'( I used to think that the YouTube makeup gurus that could transform themselves into modern day deities with the flick of a br...

This is one of my favourite photos of myself. Even though my thighs are a little chumbly (i think i made that word up but it totes describes how i see my legs so it stays lol) and chunky, my hair is in that awkward growing out stage aka ugly AF, my muffin top is protruding out like my bloody hip was having a baby and my outfit is veeeeeery far from on point. But none of that bullshit matters. Because right before this photo was taken, I was laughing. And right after it was taken, I was laughing. Pretty much the whole entire day on which this photo was taken, I was laughing. My 11 year old brother was behind the camera and we had just spent the past hour riding our bicycles like crazy maniacs from Mad Max through the forest. It wasn't our first adventure and I really hope it's not one of the last, even though I'm being a fucking terrible big sister by moving to another country and leaving my partner in crime behind (I have the guiltsquirms every time i think about it). Li...

Since the Golden Globes show aired, there's been a whole lotta shade being thrown at my inspogoddess Amy Schumer. And why? Because she said that word that outdoes all the other words in the whole entire universe of words (except the N-word. And no its not 'naenae' as much as we all wished it was. What the actual fuck is even a naenae anyways? Is it like a N-word bae that you love twice as much? These things i ponder). So back on track, I'm like one of those people in Harry Potter that actually says 'Voldemort' rather than 'he-who-shall-not-be-named' (so i guess you could say I'm pretty ruthless) and therefore I'm just gonna come right out and say it, Miss A.Schu said 'cunt'. And people have lost their minds. I'm gonna let this post finish, but i just gotta say.... Kayne West is telling everyone he's a genius and that's like acceptable... ? Um. Really? Sorry but I'd rather listen to the sound of my bonedry cunt being pilla...

This is my most liked photo on instagram by a longshot. I can give you 2 reasons why this photo was popular and both are rather.... errr... on display 😂 The reason I'm bringing this up is because I just finished having a conversation with a guy friend of mine and his most popular photo on the insta was one where he's holding his baby niece. Cooooooome on. Are we REALLY that lame and unoriginal guys?! Us girls like the cliche family guy image and the men all like the cliche girl with tits out pic. Fuck that. I'm gonna go like photos of men in speedos and turn the tables. Probably won't do shit but it'll still be pretty funny to look at men in speedos for the next hour or so. Ruby out xx

It's raining where I live so I'm cooped up inside sulking like a small child in time out. I say that like I actually had plans/a social life for the rain to ruin 😂 But in all seriousness, which doesn't happen often, although it might be bucketing ponds and lakes on us here, across the ditch in Aussie and just down the road from my bestie, there's an enormous fire destroying land, homes and lives. I just wanted to take this opportunity to send my love to all those affected by the inferno in Western Australia. And a huge thank you to the men and women on the ground doing their best to put the fire out. You're all heroes and my thoughts and prayers are with you. It's easy to forget about tragic events around the world when they're eclipsed or replaced by other tragic events in the news and also by the daily struggles and stresses of our own lives. It's not until the big scary  stuff like this happens to you or your loved ones, do you really s...

So. As promised, here's the photographic proof that I successfully completed my mission from the 'New Year New Me' post. I just put on my makeup without looking in the mirror and I feel like I've found my godgiven natural ability. My contour game is almost as strong as my brow game is.... as in, UNstrong. Very very UNstrong. One at a time boys! 😂 Until next time, Ruby xx

One of my New Years resolutions was to find something to laugh about every single day of 2016. And with the first week done and dusted, I'm already failing at life lol so determined not to disappoint my parents any further (is there a level below rock bottom?) I've decided to take my serious girl panties off and run commando through the world like a gleeful child. Not literally of course, I haven't had a wax in months and ain't nobody wanna see a bushy vadge. So to kickstart the cockles of my laughing engine, today I snuck up on my 75 year old grandfather to give him a fright. The thought of him squealing like a girl/possibly having a heart attack was too unbearable to contain so I ruined my fright by cracking up laughing before I even got to do it (FYI I was laughing about the squealing not the cardiac arrest). Mission one: failure. Or was it? ;) Mission two: putting my makeup on with my eyes closed. Then taking a photo. Then uploading said photo on here. Then sendin...

How to win with the ladies: #1 Be a redhead. This is pretty self-explanatory but for those without the magic powers of fiery hair; if a dude's hair is red up top, the girls are going to be constantly picturing his downstairs. Which makes them constantly aroused. Red hair is pretty much a genetic aphrodisiac. #2 Have some sort of link to Harry Potter because it's the erotic fiction novel series of our time. #3 Stare wistfully in the opposite direction of target to give the illusion of mystery and torment. Like you're some mighty fucking sensitive poet boss. Chicks dig that. #4 Have a kitten. Who doesn't like kittens?! That's right. Monsters. Monsters don't like kittens. And monsters fuck you then kill you so you had best be leaving monsters to shady men picking up prostitutes and Charlize Theron. #5 Sing and play the guitar well. Bonus points if you're a redhead and can do this. Extra bonus points if you're a redhead and you're acting as the redh...

Warning: this post is very NSFW. There's a lot of curse words and sexual references. In time you'll expect this from me, but for now I'll warn you. Like MTV does before every single godforsaken "reality" show they play instead of music. On Music TV. Yeaaaaaahhhh.... No one ever really teaches you how to bounce back after a serious relationship ends (rebounding seems a little risky when you live in a town inhabited mostly by your relatives so that's out for me). I've heard all the bullshit "time heals" nonsense cliches and not once has it ever helped me in any way at all when someone mentions it. It mostly makes me want to punch said cliche-giver in the face. With a brick. And then tell them "oooh but time heals, right?" Yeah ok so I may have some unresolved anger management issues. Probably. So after extensive research (few minutes perusing Google) all I seemed to find was the same old airy fairy hippylove hug the world fucking...

I read this little post on one of my friend's Facebook walls today that said something along the lines of "10 years ago we'd be upset if someone read our diaries, nowadays we put our diaries online and we're upset if no one reads them". And I just thought to myself "that's so fucking right". I find myself scanning my newsfeed every morning ignoring the reposts and bullshitty inspo pics, and only really stopping to read the real stuff, the juicy stuff, the goss, the whinging, the raunchy, the confessions, the heartaches... just all of it. It's become a part of my normal everyday routine and I know I'm not alone in this. And if you think about it, it's actually a little bit perverted. It's like new-age, socially-acceptable, nonsexual (well i can't speak for you guys...) voyeurism. When did it become ok to know everything about everyone? When did we stop enjoying mystery? And how the fuck did we ever start being so interested in e...