Till Death I Nearly Did Part

You don't know what's worth living for until you're facing your own demise.

I've always been a sensitive soul, although I'm sure some friends and family members would probably describe it more as 'dramaqueenness'. I remember being about 5 or 6 years old and every time we went to our local video store, I'd try to get my parents to hire out this awesome looking animal tape from the kids castle. It had heaps of cute bunnies on the cover, and I had a pet rabbit called 'George', so I was certain I'd absolutely love this movie. But Mum always said no. I thought she was being mean. She wasn't. She was just protecting my sensitiveness. The movie was 'Watership Down'. I'm 28 now and I'm yet to see the movie or read the book. I hired it out from the library one time, but the cover photo depicting a rabbit trap meant I never actually even turned the front cover over. I know my sensitivity limitations. But it's taken me all my life so far to finally realise them, and then respect them.

Being sensitive means being vulnerable. You're open to the elements of life. I cry when I'm sad. I cry when I'm happy. I even cry when I'm angry, which is probably quite confusing for bystanders. I feel things deeply and what I feel can actually consume me if I don't step in to stop it. When someone is mean to me, I might go on to forgive them, but every time someone else is mean, all the other means pop up and they transform into one giant monster pile of mean. It becomes all-consuming.

Unless you've been overcome by sadness, you'll never really understand just how suffocating it can be. It's like if you were out in the ocean swimming, and you go under where the world is just quiet, and then your body just gives out and you start to sink. The water gets colder and it starts to get really dark and scary and lonely. You can see your loved ones still swimming up at the surface and you try to scream for them but your body is too busy trying to sink. Eventually you hit the bottom and all of the air just rushes out of your body. You lay there like a dead weight. And you know if you just close your eyes, if you just stop panicking and clinging so hard onto living, you can just go to sleep. You'll find some peace. Usually your body's fight or flight reaction kicks in and it forces you to work your way right back up. It's hard because you've gone without air for so long and you're just so exhausted, but you catch a glimpse of your loved ones up at the surface again, and it spurs your body back into life. You reach the surface just in time and you just float there trying to catch your breath. Everyone is still playing and laughing and joking. They didn't realise how close they came to losing you. Because depression is a personal illness, it strives on privacy and it will do anything to convince it's victims to keep it a secret.

Sometimes you'll get lucky, and on the way down to the bottom of the ocean, someone will notice you sinking, and they'll swim down and throw you a lifeline, and it helps make your resurfacing an easier and quicker experience. They are usually the kind of people that I like to call "life detectives". We all know at least one of them. They're the sort to notice your new haircut, or mention when you've lost weight, or compliment your new artwork hanging on the hallway wall or the first/only ones to ask "are you ok?" after you've had a rough day. They're the observants. The people that see things that most other people are blind to. And these life detectives can be the difference between hitting the bottom and bouncing back, or running out of air and never coming back to the surface again. If you're a life detective, chances are people will find some kind of negative way to describe you, like "noseyparker", "perfectionist" or "critical". But don't let their lack of understanding ever deter you from being who you are. As long as you walk the earth with love in your heart, your all-seeing eyes and inquisitive mind might just be someone's lifeline one day.

If you feel like you're drowning please contact me via messages. I have a list of amazing organizations that can step in and be your life detectives, including myself. Everyone deserves a lifeline.

Until next time,
Ruby xx