The Ruby Knight Chronicles

The funniest/most horrifying thing just happened to me. I was standing in front of the mirror in my ugly strapless bra and granny panties. My uterus is all swollen because period so I pushed my gut right out and then I took a photo pretending to be preggers. As you do.  Anyways... Because I'm such a retard and don't know how to work my phone properly I just sent that photo accidentally to the da te that probably won't be a date now. 😭 😭 😭 😭 😂 😂 😂 #singleforever

Week five on the road. First proper lazy day off in a week. Slept in until 8:30, now I'm sitting in a rainforest having coffee. My job definitely doesn't get boring. Last time I posted I was heading to Townsville. The Chilean couple I was traveling/working with left and my boss Alf arrived up to work with me. We left Townsville and drove the 4hrs north to Cairns where we enjoyed a few lazy days,  restaurant meals and 59 million cups of coffee. We then drove 12hrs north east to Weipa, which included 2hrs drive in torrential rain at night with kamikaze kangaroos and dirt roads that resembled rivers more than roads. Stayed a few days there before heading right up to the very top of Australia, to a little place called Bamaga. We had beachfront accommodation which was stunning, if you ignored the fact that the water was filled with crocodiles. A few days later and we were back in Cairns where Alf swapped places with his wife Tash. Us two girls hit the road again and ended up i...

I'm ovulating. And I know that not because of some weird app that tracks aunt flow's monthly visitations, but because I'm having a "fuck my single life" moment. Or FMSL. Once a month I get really sooky. Like tempted to text my ex for an obviously disastrous any other time of the month reunion type sooky. Everywhere I turn there's motherfucking couples holding motherfucking hands and being all m otherfucking cute and shit. And then there's me holding my own hand thinking about my cat. For the most part I really dig being a solo senorita, who can spend as much money at Kmart and flirt with as many unsuspecting innocent male bystanders as she likes. But these ovulation-induced relationship pangs really make my single girl spasms start to hurt. And I find myself reevaluating and reimagining every encounter with the opposite sex that I've ever had. Shitty ex-boyfriends become born-again potential hubsters. Drunken foolish one night stands begin to s...

As you get older, your amount of fucks to give away diminishes, along with your ovary omelette makers. So, you find yourself letting go of cares and concerns that once seemed Everest, and now in age, have become those waste of time road bumps that are so little that you don't even need to slow down for them. Some people refer to aging as the gaining of wisdom or maturity, but in actual fact, it's more like an increasingly lazier approach to fuck giving. I'm not quite over the hill yet, but my days of certain fuck giveth and taketh have long since died out, and with that comes a sense of freedom and independence, but mostly a sticketh to the maneth attitude born of aging rebellion. Things that used to stress me to the point of alcoholism back in my teens, no longer seem so significant in the grand scheme of things. A few years ago I found a rogue grey hair. I plucked the fucker out but I'm pretty sure it planted the seed of carefreeness which has been silentl...

There's always a huge buzz whenever female stars are caught on camera without their war paint on because, heaven forbid, they're not the perfect godlike beings we/they like to make out that they are. It makes it really hard for us normal everyday average ladettes to get by without spending the better half of our mornings getting ready for the day as if we were about to walk the runway at fashion week. I recently tried going a couple days without a touch of makeup, and not only did I become a total recluse, but when I did absolutely horrendously have to make a public appearance, I was subjected to a barrage of questions starting at "are you tired love?" and ending at "Jesus Mary and Joseph, it's nothing serious is it?!!". To which I had to reply "no I'm just ugly but thanks for pointing it out" 😂:'( I used to think that the YouTube makeup gurus that could transform themselves into modern day deities with the flick of a br...

This is one of my favourite photos of myself. Even though my thighs are a little chumbly (i think i made that word up but it totes describes how i see my legs so it stays lol) and chunky, my hair is in that awkward growing out stage aka ugly AF, my muffin top is protruding out like my bloody hip was having a baby and my outfit is veeeeeery far from on point. But none of that bullshit matters. Because right before this photo was taken, I was laughing. And right after it was taken, I was laughing. Pretty much the whole entire day on which this photo was taken, I was laughing. My 11 year old brother was behind the camera and we had just spent the past hour riding our bicycles like crazy maniacs from Mad Max through the forest. It wasn't our first adventure and I really hope it's not one of the last, even though I'm being a fucking terrible big sister by moving to another country and leaving my partner in crime behind (I have the guiltsquirms every time i think about it). Li...