The Ruby Knight Chronicles

Have you ever thought about what you want to do with your life? I mean, asides from the regular every day stuff like having a job, being a parent, catching all the Pokémon before your friends, being the best stripper in the club, etc Like what do you really really really really wanna zigazigahhh? Maybe you have dreams of eating different cheeses in every country of the world. Or perhaps you want to learn how to breakdance and be back up for Beyonce. Or maybe you have dreams of world domination. Yes I'm talking about the big stuff. The memoir worthy shit. The things you used to fantasise about as a child. Somewhere along the way, being an adult seems to dull the shine of our thoughts of grandeur. We end up focusing on the boring basics, like how am I going to pay rent or who the fuck keeps leaving the toilet seat up?!! We get distracted. And it's not necessarily a bad thing, because successful adulting generally requires our full attention, but it's usually not until...

A snapshot of traumatic/hilarious moments in my life that have ended unexpectedly positively. Thus proving that rock bottom humiliation has surprising benefits, you just have to know how to laugh at yourself first.  I once farted long and loud while sitting in front of the guy I really liked, and a bunch of other kids, and the wind of my ass made the wet togs I was wearing ripple across my left b utt cheek. I thought my chances with hot dude were ruined. Turns out he thought I was funny and the next day we ended up hitting primary school third base; hand holding. I have refused to eat seafood ever since I was a little kid. My parents told me fish fingers were made from chicken. I believed their treachery until I became the brunt of public laughter at dinner one night on a school camp. I proclaimed loudly that I didn't eat fish and then went on to eat fish fingers. I think I was like twelve. Definitely old enough to know better. Bright side is the knowledge that one day I...

#1 Money is like sex, you only miss it when you don't have it. So just have lots of it. Money and sex. Two birds one tip. Problems solved.  #2 Every ex you've ever had will never have better than you. It's a fact. Don't stalk them on Facebook OK. Just trust me. Their new partners suck. Probably. #3 No one gives a shit about what kind of car you drive. Unless it's a monster truck. Bitches love monster trucks. #4 Chocolate is not the enemy. Chocolate-wannabe sultanas are. Stop the chocolate hate crime  #freethechocolate #5 Everyone's genitals look funny. It's for entertainment purposes. Icebreakers if you will. Why else would we have them?! #6 Farting silently and acting innocent is still one of the funniest things one can do with excretions from an orifice. Unless you laugh your drink out through your nose. That shit is funny. #7 Cellulite is the Braille version of bedroom eyes. #8 Anyone who receives an unauthorized vision rape by way of dick pic, ha...

No offence to the rarity that is the 'nice' blokes, but like, what the actual fuck men of the world?!! I'm really struggling to understand why guys started thinking it was peachy to TRY to solicit sex without so much as a "how's your father?". And why they feel it's alright to put on the unmanwhore mask, thus lulling us ladies into a false sense of chivalry, until they inevitably end up whipping  it off as they whip it out to send the infamous dick pic. Are shady one liners and snapshots of one man cockpits the best any of us single ladies are ever going to get? Don't confuse my disdain for sexism though. I love men. I love how they can change lightbulbs and open jarlids and relocate creepy household disturbances otherwise known as bugs. But mostly I love how they don't have the 59 million emotional thoughtwaves zooming through their heads like us ladyfolk, so they're usually a one thought at a time kind of people, making them pretty eas...

The funniest/most horrifying thing just happened to me. I was standing in front of the mirror in my ugly strapless bra and granny panties. My uterus is all swollen because period so I pushed my gut right out and then I took a photo pretending to be preggers. As you do.  Anyways... Because I'm such a retard and don't know how to work my phone properly I just sent that photo accidentally to the da te that probably won't be a date now. 😭 😭 😭 😭 😂 😂 😂 #singleforever

Do you know what grinds my girl gears more than anything? That successful women HAVE to be beautiful women. Just about every female "role model" that we have is usually famous for being good looking. Yet their male counterparts seem to have been excluded from this beauties-only club. But why?  Why do females have to feel attractive in order to feel powerful? Why are there so many superficial conditions thrust upon our sex? And what can we do to make a positive change for ourselves, and the women we know and love? Just about every photo I post, goes through a rigourous "will men still want to sheetsaddle me after seeing this photo?" check... Pimples? Photoshop. Eyebags? Photoshop. Extra lumps and bumps? Photoshop. Just plain ugly? Photoshop. No friends/life outside of Netflix? You guessed it. Photoshop. The rise of social networking has given more push on the rise for appearance perfection. It's most evident in our disgust at being tagged in photos that l...

Once upon a time there was a girl who the universe decided to impart its wisdom upon. But the universe is not all stars and moons, so with this wisdom came great challenge and sacrifice for the girl. She had heartache and tragedy thrust upon her. She was tested by the universe. It wanted to see if she was worthy of all it had to give her. Her first test was strength.  The universe saw that the gi rl had become separated from the good of mankind and darkness had fallen on her weak heart. She was following the path of the wrong and the unjust. She knew that her journey was not honorable but she ignored the signs that the universe sent her and continued to trek her way into the abyss. Finally the universe grew tired of her wandering and sent to her its first big challenge. After the girl was beaten and raped, the universe sent small comfort by way of its beautiful night sky and the companionship of a fellow wanderer to soften the girl's ordeal. And then the universe waited. Wh...

Someone once told me that I expected too much from a partner. And it got me thinking, maybe I do and that's why I'm still single? So here's a few things I'd like from the future Mr Knight, and if it's asking too much, y'all better let me know or the SPCA will be fresh outa cats #1 He needs to be funny as fuck because it can't be left to me to carry us both. #2 He needs to be patient as fuck. Because me. #3 He needs to be caring as fuck because I'm a sensitive needy little fucker that needs more attention than a newborn. #4 He needs to be randy as fuck to be able to keep up with me. Batteries are too damn expensive! #5 He needs to be stubborn as fuck to be able to outdo my Ox-like will. #6 He needs to be frugal as fuck to withstand my shopping spree storms. #7 He needs to be Henry Cavil as fuck. Because Henry Cavil. #8 He needs to be understanding as fuck especially when we're running late and I make us later because fuck you eyeliner. #9 He...

A lot of men seem to be advocating the "Friends With Benefits' movement nowadays. Which to me is just a man that's keen on all the perks of dating minus the effort of actually committing. It's bullshit fed to us ladies in the hopes that we'll be desperate enough to eat it up. And a lot of us do, because we're confused about feminism and girl sexual power, or we're rekindling a halfassed affair wit h a previous lover, or we're scared of commitment ourselves or we're just plain lonely. But we're selling ourselves short here girls. Remember that old saying about not buying a cow that's giving away free milk. Well. We're the cows. And our milk is far more precious than a 2am drunken text asking "come mine?". Sex is an amazing beautiful powerful thing. And the only thing that makes it better is having a connection that's more than just a physical one. We're being sold relationship propaganda by society, by men and by...

The end of a love affair.  I'm flying back home to Australia this weekend, and I had planned on catching a bus to my ex's house and having him drop me off at the airport after spending a few days with him. But ever since we made those plans, I have been in two minds about it.  I really enjoyed our new years together and would have loved loved loved more time with him.  But... I felt my heart getting sucked right back into that tragic love bubble that it always weasels its way into. And after years of putting my wants before my best judgement, I've finally learnt that I can't keep putting myself into situations where I'm only bound to get hurt. Plus it'd mean 2 less days with my family, who will always be in my life, unlike menfolks. So tonight I text him and fessed up to being the owner of a hopelessly romantically pathetic little heart and that because of that embarrassing little fact, my plans have now changed and my mum will be driving me up to the ai...

Dating is a lot like playing a game. There's usually two players (sometimes more depending on the game you like/how kinky you are), some set rules and a whole lot of moves to make before winning. Sometimes players cheat, sometimes they play fair. But for the most part, there's always a strategy involved. Especially when it comes to men. I've seen and heard it all. The white lies. The empty gestur es. The game plans whether they be fantastic, flawed or full of shit. I've been ego-patted, gift-showered and flat out accosted with sexual innuendos. In the world of online dating, sometimes I get virtual flowers, but most times I just get dick pics. If a guy makes a move, I can usually pick his game from a mile off. And it amazes me at just how few of us girls that can actually do the same. So I've put together a little list of the most obvious and outrageous players and their plays, and hopefully it'll arm the lasses with more of a fighting chance in the craz...

I've dated the nicest guy in the world. A man that opened my car door, brought me flowers on every date, was incredibly kind and compassionate, genuinely cared about me, messaged me in the morning to wish me a happy day and messaged me at night to find out all about my day. He was perfect. On paper. But even just writing this, I can't help but.... <YAAAAAAWN> Poor bloke. There was absolutely noth ing wrong with him. But there's clearly a defect in my man-liketh muscle. I turn my nose up at the nice guys, I wish I didn't, life would be fuckloads easier if I didn't. Unfortunately I like the bad guys. The ones with a streak of asshole in them. The ones you know not to bring home to your parents. The ones that always break your heart. So what the fuck is my problem?!! Clearly I know the nice guys are the better bet, but try as I might, eventually I end up walking right over them and then walking away. So it got me thinking about men. What kinds of categori...

They say when you've moved on from something, it doesn't hurt you anymore. But I think that's bullshit. I had such a good night with my ex last night. But it was twinged with a little something sad. We were getting on famously like old times, laughing at our tragic events of 2016 and reminiscing on our old times. And then the subject of dating came up. So I've obviously been on a few dates mysel f so I apparently cannot expect him to live his life without love. I know, wtf right. But I didn't expect hearing about it to affect me as much as it did, or even at all. It not only surprised me a little, but it made me feel a little down. Now I know we can never be together like we were, because I've got a whole new life in a completely different country to him but mostly because we can openly admit that we're terrible together. Like swimming in the ocean after a vadge wax terrible. But I guess I've always subconsciously fanned this little flicker of ho...

I'm 29. A few years back I forced a drunken pact on an ex that if we're both single by the time I'm 32, we'll have a baby together. It probably seems a bit silly or lacking in sentiment or just batshit crazy to you guys, but I think it's a wee bit genius. I love my ex. I love his values. I think he'd make an amazing father one day. And let's face it, my barren womb is only getting more and more  useless as the years tick by and no babies inhabit it. So fuck convention. Fuck the norm. Fuck what anyone else snickers about behind closed doors, because gossipers are never forthcoming to the subject of their gossip, with their gossip. I want to be a Mum. One day. And if having a "backstop" babymaker means being one step closer to that goal, then I'm riding that crazy train all the way to motherhood. Life is a blank canvas just waiting for you to splash some paint on it. There are no lines to colour between. The are no rules. You just make yo...

I'm ovulating. And I know that not because of some weird app that tracks aunt flow's monthly visitations, but because I'm having a "fuck my single life" moment. Or FMSL. Once a month I get really sooky. Like tempted to text my ex for an obviously disastrous any other time of the month reunion type sooky. Everywhere I turn there's motherfucking couples holding motherfucking hands and being all m otherfucking cute and shit. And then there's me holding my own hand thinking about my cat. For the most part I really dig being a solo senorita, who can spend as much money at Kmart and flirt with as many unsuspecting innocent male bystanders as she likes. But these ovulation-induced relationship pangs really make my single girl spasms start to hurt. And I find myself reevaluating and reimagining every encounter with the opposite sex that I've ever had. Shitty ex-boyfriends become born-again potential hubsters. Drunken foolish one night stands begin to s...

At 17 I met the love of my life. At 28 I walked away from him forever.  The love never died. A year on and I still love him. I still catch myself thinking about him and missing him. But it's far too late and there's far too much water that's crossed under too many bridges to ever be reunited again.  We never learnt how to let our egos go. We never learnt how to be a team. We just didn't know how  to get past our disagreements and arguments, so they haunted us well past being done. Little mistakes became mountains of pain and hurt. Small and petty became life-ruining big. And eventually love just wasn't enough anymore. The last time I saw him, I was getting in my car and had this dull beating pain in my heart. I knew after 9yrs this would be the last time. My mind rushed back through the years of love and happiness. I got out of my car and wrapped my arms around him. He stood there awkwardly. I didn't want to let go, but I had to. This hug wasn't a big e...

23rd June 2016 So. Decided to dip my toes in the ole dating pond. And so far only found pond scum, well,  not really but kinda. One stalker. One liar. One ex. Three boys with the same name as my brother. All daddies with kids they barely see. Lots of dick pics. And a few assholes for good measure. And if that's not enough to put be off, I was propositioned by a man that's into cuckoldry (Google it) and I'm not g onna lie, I did have to think about it  Where you at husband?!! Think I'll just buy a bottle of wine, a vibrator and a life-sized teddy to spoon and be done with it. Until next time, Ruby xx Come see Ruby on Facebook: www.facebook.com/trkchronicles

Come See Ruby On Facebook Thank you for holding my handbag without flinching every time I need to use the loo.  Thank you for giving me your jersey when it's cold even though you told me it would be cold and I should take a jacket but I chose to ignore you because my outfit was on point. Thank you for holding my hand even when it's sweatier than a fat man's crotch in a sauna. Thank you for letting me touch your eyelashes because they're so dark and long and pretty. Thank you for massaging my feet after a long day in the very shoes you told me would hurt my feet. Thank you for saying "good morning beautiful" to me even when I wake up looking like a sasquatch that's been electrocuted. Thank you for pretending you don't hear me fart. Thank you for putting on my necklaces and bracelets even when the clasps are ridiculously tiny in your giant manhands. Thank you for letting me warm my icicle feet up on your body. Thank you for getting excited every tim...

I've never been shy about my past. I've done things I'm embarrassed about and things I regret, but there's nothing I can do to change what's already been done so I know not to beat myself up for my faults or mistakes. One of the things that people seem to judge me for the most is my sexual history and my openness about it. I LOVE sex. More than most men do even. I think it's the best thing about b eing a human being. Nothing beats sex. The feeling. The connection. The release. The love. But it wasn't always so special to me. In the beginning it was just a means to an end. I felt unloved and unworthy of love for most of my life and I went looking for it in all the wrong bedrooms. I mistook lust for love and became more and more desperate in my search for romance and fulfillment. I was a late bloomer, my first time was when I was just about 18. I had just changed schools and was hanging out with a girl that did drugs and had dodgy friends. One of her frien...