The Ruby Knight Chronicles

Have you ever thought about what you want to do with your life? I mean, asides from the regular every day stuff like having a job, being a parent, catching all the Pokémon before your friends, being the best stripper in the club, etc Like what do you really really really really wanna zigazigahhh? Maybe you have dreams of eating different cheeses in every country of the world. Or perhaps you want to learn how to breakdance and be back up for Beyonce. Or maybe you have dreams of world domination. Yes I'm talking about the big stuff. The memoir worthy shit. The things you used to fantasise about as a child. Somewhere along the way, being an adult seems to dull the shine of our thoughts of grandeur. We end up focusing on the boring basics, like how am I going to pay rent or who the fuck keeps leaving the toilet seat up?!! We get distracted. And it's not necessarily a bad thing, because successful adulting generally requires our full attention, but it's usually not until...

One thing I cannot stand is when people take their shit out on other people that don't deserve it. Sure we all have bad days, but that doesn't excuse poor behaviour. I used to be a right selfish cunt like that though. When I was younger. But somehow age and maturity linked up and taught me how to handle my jandal with a little more finesse. If I'm feeling miserable, I sleep. If I'm grumpy, I slee p. If I'm sick, I sleep. So I sleep a lot  😂  but at least I'm not making innocent bystanders wear my shit anymore. I used to be friends with a grown ass woman, who would throw tantrums like a ladybaby making everyone around her feel awkward and attacked. She would often use excuses to justify her outbursts but excuses never outshine the bullshit so eventually everyone ended up drifting away from her. And last I heard she was living in a tiny little unit with no company other than a cat and Netflix. That can't be a very happy or fulfilling life. I actually ...

A snapshot of traumatic/hilarious moments in my life that have ended unexpectedly positively. Thus proving that rock bottom humiliation has surprising benefits, you just have to know how to laugh at yourself first.  I once farted long and loud while sitting in front of the guy I really liked, and a bunch of other kids, and the wind of my ass made the wet togs I was wearing ripple across my left b utt cheek. I thought my chances with hot dude were ruined. Turns out he thought I was funny and the next day we ended up hitting primary school third base; hand holding. I have refused to eat seafood ever since I was a little kid. My parents told me fish fingers were made from chicken. I believed their treachery until I became the brunt of public laughter at dinner one night on a school camp. I proclaimed loudly that I didn't eat fish and then went on to eat fish fingers. I think I was like twelve. Definitely old enough to know better. Bright side is the knowledge that one day I...