The Ruby Knight Chronicles

At 17 I met the love of my life. At 28 I walked away from him forever.  The love never died. A year on and I still love him. I still catch myself thinking about him and missing him. But it's far too late and there's far too much water that's crossed under too many bridges to ever be reunited again.  We never learnt how to let our egos go. We never learnt how to be a team. We just didn't know how  to get past our disagreements and arguments, so they haunted us well past being done. Little mistakes became mountains of pain and hurt. Small and petty became life-ruining big. And eventually love just wasn't enough anymore. The last time I saw him, I was getting in my car and had this dull beating pain in my heart. I knew after 9yrs this would be the last time. My mind rushed back through the years of love and happiness. I got out of my car and wrapped my arms around him. He stood there awkwardly. I didn't want to let go, but I had to. This hug wasn't a big e...

As you get older, your amount of fucks to give away diminishes, along with your ovary omelette makers. So, you find yourself letting go of cares and concerns that once seemed Everest, and now in age, have become those waste of time road bumps that are so little that you don't even need to slow down for them. Some people refer to aging as the gaining of wisdom or maturity, but in actual fact, it's more like an increasingly lazier approach to fuck giving. I'm not quite over the hill yet, but my days of certain fuck giveth and taketh have long since died out, and with that comes a sense of freedom and independence, but mostly a sticketh to the maneth attitude born of aging rebellion. Things that used to stress me to the point of alcoholism back in my teens, no longer seem so significant in the grand scheme of things. A few years ago I found a rogue grey hair. I plucked the fucker out but I'm pretty sure it planted the seed of carefreeness which has been silentl...

2nd July 2016 Last week I went shopping for a dress to wear for my date with Dita. And after two entire days spent "shopping", I was left empty-handed, disappointed and feeling rather glum about myself.  A few shops had gorgeous dresses, but nothing left on the racks above a size 10. One shop specific to my size (14 and above) had gorgeous dresses, but nothing below $90 (that's nearly a whol e day at work for one freaking dress!). And another shop claimed to have my size but not even the size 16 would encapsulate my curvy body (What the actual fuck?!!). And don't get me started on the amount of shops I walked into and walked out of just as quickly feeling like a disaster at attractiveness once spying the tiny shop attendants wearing the tiny clothes they're selling. The only places that actually fit my size and budget were Kmart and Target, and as much as I love love love these two stores, they didn't exactly have anything Dita-worthy. So why is it so...

2nd July 2016 Word to the wise; don't get sick in aussie if you don't have medicare. So I spent last night in the ER. What started off as a migraine turned into an abscess turned into a severe sinus infection. After 6hrs in the waiting room in pain without painkillers, I was fiiiiiinally taken in to be seen by a doctor. In my 12hr stay, I had to give 3 urine samples (try peeing into a tiny cup 3 times withou t your hand wearing it, those odds are not in your favour), had needles in both arms and eventually the lure pierced through my artery pumping my right arm and hand full of fluids like Nutty Professor style, was given a morphine overdose and had my blood pressure skyrocket to stroke material and then my poor wee heart was thumping harder than a Kardashian on tape which lead to a full blown anxiety attack that I was growled for by a cuntpunch of a nurse (because anxiety is toooooootally something we can control...), gloriously vomited profusely into 2 sick ba...

27th June 2016 Drama llama. We all know at least one. If you've been living under a solitude rock and don't know what a drama llama is, let me enlighten you;  "Hey Barbara, how was your day?" "The universe hates me" "Ohhh, why do you say that Barbsy?" "I broke a nail. Chris won't text me back after I accused him of cheating on me. He reckons he was just taking his Mum to the doctors but I'm pretty sure the doctor is a girl and no doubt she's hot so of course he's just finding excuses to see her, I'm not buying this "mum's got pneumonia" nonsense he's trying to sell me. And if that's not bad enough, my car battery went flat because the sodding lights didn't turn off when i got out like I'm sure that's a manufacture fault, what kind of idiot made lights that stay on when you're not even in your damn car. And my beautician went on maternity leave the selfish tart and so now ...

26th June 2016 I learnt 3 things this weekend; #1 not everyone that cares, listens. #2 not everyone that listens, doesn't care. #3 not everyone that karaokes, sings. If it wasn't for the random yet much-needed invitation out to karaoke night by a lovely young chap, and pita pit (can't get enough of the stuff) the weekend would have been a bit of a bust really (after a full day spent searching for a Dita dress to no avail). I had so much fun on my surprise excursion that I even ended up singing in front of the room full of inebriated strangers, much against the advice from my brain and much to do with the encouragement from fellow karaokers and alcoholic beverages. I had resigned myself to weekends and free time spent mostly alone with Cookie Cats (like candy crush but with cute cats  🐈 ) and was ready for bed before 8pm last night. And then along came a friendly albeit completely unexpected message inviting me for a night out, in the hopes that I wouldn...

23rd June 2016 So. Decided to dip my toes in the ole dating pond. And so far only found pond scum, well,  not really but kinda. One stalker. One liar. One ex. Three boys with the same name as my brother. All daddies with kids they barely see. Lots of dick pics. And a few assholes for good measure. And if that's not enough to put be off, I was propositioned by a man that's into cuckoldry (Google it) and I'm not g onna lie, I did have to think about it  Where you at husband?!! Think I'll just buy a bottle of wine, a vibrator and a life-sized teddy to spoon and be done with it. Until next time, Ruby xx Come see Ruby on Facebook: www.facebook.com/trkchronicles

22nd June 2016 Week three at the gold coast.  What a hard, emotional and rather lonely journey my time in Australia has been so far. I've had to step outside my comfort zone more times than ever before and every day brings a new challenge to rise to. The hardest one is by far having to keep myself to myself. At the moment, I have no friends or family here so most of my free time is spent on my own. I've never f elt so isolated in my entire life. I miss everyone back home beyond words and would do anything for an "everything will be ok, love" cuddle. But beginnings are never easy, especially the big ones, and rewards come from hard work and perseverance, so I'll just keep trucking along like I always do until life gets easier/better. On the flipside, there are many positives that have come from jumping the ditch, and I'm very grateful to the family I live with who have given me the opportunity for a new life. I'm living in a beautiful house and hav...

It's not hard to be a good friend but for some reason, so many of us get it completely wrong. Friendship breakups, or 'friendups' as I like to call them, can be just as damaging and painful as romantic breakups. Yet barely anyone seems to acknowledge them, let alone reflect upon and learn from them. So the vicious friendup cycle is able to continue on and on completely under the radar. I decided  to put together a little list of what I think it takes to be a good friend. The bare essentials to friendship. Of course every bond is different but without these core qualities, just about every friendship will suffer. The first step to having a strong and happy friendship is trust. One of the worst things you could do to a friend is betray their confidence. Once you've destroyed their trust, everything else suffers for it and eventually that friend will drift away. You both need to be able to come to each other with things no one else can or should know about, and...

5th May 2016 Sometimes it feels like you're going backwards regardless of how hard you try to go forward. These are moments where you either sit back crying "why me?" or you dust yourself off and push on even harder.  Today I woke up at 3am with a full on flu. Kept myself in isolation so no one else in the house would get it and at 2pm I was sick of the four walls of my room so got my running gears on and too k it all out on the pavement. On my run I discovered a few things. I'm really reeeeeeally unfit. My sports bra is amazingly supportive. I love pushing myself physically. And now the flu seems to be on the way out. So what started as a meh day ended as a fuck yeah day. Small victories. Until next time, Ruby xx Come see Ruby on Facebook: www.facebook.com/trkchronicles

  Come See Ruby On Facebook 3rd May 2016 I've been in aussie for about 5 weeks or so now. It was going swimmingly but this week I just can't seem to shake this heavy feeling off from my head and heart. Missing home. Missing my cat. Missing my family. But mostly I'm missing this amazing little guy.  I'm taking things a day at a time but this week is just so not a good week. I feel so out of place, like I don't belong here. Like an intrud er almost. I was really lucky to have my friend and her family take me in, and they've been really great, but I just can't shake this offness. It's like when you go to a party and you don't know anyone and everyone has grown up together and they all have their stories and inside jokes and memories. And you're just like this random loser laughing when everyone else laughs without even knowing what you're laughing about. You try to fit in, and you get little snippets of feeling like a part of the team, b...

Come See Ruby On Facebook Do you ever just have days where you feel so unplugged from the world around you? Those days where you try your hardest to reattach to everyone and everything but it seems the harder you try, the more you seem to just drift away from it all. Where you feel like you're drowning underneath this invisible all-encompassing all-consuming blanket of just nothingness and everythingness all at once, and n othing you do can free you from its suffocating grip. You're worthless. Invisible. Villainous. Ostracized. Nothing. And no one even seems to notice just how hard it is for you to breath. No one sees that blanket of fear and guilt and shame and anxiety that's bearing down on you slowly strangling the life from your body. No one recognises your desperate gasps for normality. You're alone. And that's simultaneously the best and worst part of all of it. That's just a glimpse into how it feels to live with depression. A slight scratch o...

Come See Ruby On Facebook Sometimes when everything goes wrong, and keeps going wrong, we get caught up in this vicious cycle of fear and comfort. Fear of change, the unknown, more failure, going it alone. And comfortable in the chaos because it's what we're used to. What we know. What we begin to expect from life. Until you're ready to seek new horizons, your circumstances will never get any better. Sure if you start ane w, you might fail. But even greater; you might succeed. Never be afraid to step out on a ledge in life. Fear is nothing but a limitation you put on yourself. You deserve to live a fulfilling and abundant and amazing life. Stop selling yourself short because you're too scared or too comfortable to get out in the world and chase your dreams. The only wasted life is one filled with wasted opportunities. Be brave. I was a month ago when I decided to move countries and start again, and I've never been happier. Until next time, Ruby xx

Come See Ruby On Facebook 17th April 2016 I'm a bit of a lone wolf at heart. I'm so used to doing everything by myself and whenever I'm sick or going through something, I retreat and deal with things on my own without people even noticing something was wrong. I've never really had anyone that pushed through the barriers I create and force their way in to help me. On rare occasions I get my parents involved but for the most part I tend to remain closed off and stubbornly independent. I think it stems from not wanting to be a burden on anyone. And that stems from not feeling confident in myself enough to feel comfortable reaching out. And also from being the "go to" person. The one that rolls their sleeves up and does what needs doing without a second thought. When that's a part of your nature, you tend to just crack on with things without looking for other's involvement. Sometimes being so independent is a blessing because I feel co...

Come See Ruby On Facebook As much as I like to think I'm a badass warrior bitch queen with full body armour made of dragon's scales and diamonds, sometimes things can still get to me. And more often than not, they're things that appear to be only insignificant and small. But usually they're the last straws. I don't often let the chaos of the world, and of others, enter my life, but some days I'm feeling a little sad or ti red or unwell or I just had a bad day. And on those days I'm weaker than usual. And vulnerable. And these things can then manage to find a way in past my armour and strike me right in the heart. And it hurts more than it should because these seemingly tiny little things have momentum. They're powered by all the other things that have struck me in the past and all the ones that tried to get in to hurt me but couldn't until this one little thing paved the way. And suddenly they've overcome me. And I feel like I'm wounde...

Come See Ruby On Facebook I've never used to be the type of person that would talk about their feelings. I used to think I could get through life like this, until I met my first serious boyfriend. My lack of emotional communication skills often led to some very heated exchanges. I would let my hurts and annoyances fester inside of me until they became too big to contain and would end up erupting in a slew of cursewords and  abuse. It got so bad that my ex felt too scared to talk to me about anything. I knew I had to make a change but I just didn't know how. So with any new venture I take in life, I started slow. I began by being honest with myself about my feelings rather than burying them deep down and forgetting about them until it was too late. I quickly learned that I was a very sensitive person and that people's words and actions affected me deeply and often. At first I thought my sensitivity was a major flaw, but now I know it's one of my greatest st...

All my adult life, I've been the go to person. The rock. The shoulder. The reliable one. The one that pulls up her sleeves to get stuck in and do the hard dirty work. I left my own life and ambitions behind for my ex. I did it again when my parents divorced. And I'm doing it still for my grandparents. I get genuinely upset when others are upset and I try really hard to help out when and how I can. I've sacrificed so much and given so much of myself and life away to others, and it never seems to come back when I need it. I've been so helpful and generous that people just expect it from me now, so acknowledgement and appreciation are seemingly always overlooked. I deal with all my issues and problems on my own, not because I want to, but because no one is ever around when I need them, they only reappear in my life when they need me again. I'm sick of being everyone's doormat and boxing bag. I'm sick of being the one that always misses out so others don...

Come See Ruby On Facebook Thank you for holding my handbag without flinching every time I need to use the loo.  Thank you for giving me your jersey when it's cold even though you told me it would be cold and I should take a jacket but I chose to ignore you because my outfit was on point. Thank you for holding my hand even when it's sweatier than a fat man's crotch in a sauna. Thank you for letting me touch your eyelashes because they're so dark and long and pretty. Thank you for massaging my feet after a long day in the very shoes you told me would hurt my feet. Thank you for saying "good morning beautiful" to me even when I wake up looking like a sasquatch that's been electrocuted. Thank you for pretending you don't hear me fart. Thank you for putting on my necklaces and bracelets even when the clasps are ridiculously tiny in your giant manhands. Thank you for letting me warm my icicle feet up on your body. Thank you for getting excited every tim...

I've never been shy about my past. I've done things I'm embarrassed about and things I regret, but there's nothing I can do to change what's already been done so I know not to beat myself up for my faults or mistakes. One of the things that people seem to judge me for the most is my sexual history and my openness about it. I LOVE sex. More than most men do even. I think it's the best thing about b eing a human being. Nothing beats sex. The feeling. The connection. The release. The love. But it wasn't always so special to me. In the beginning it was just a means to an end. I felt unloved and unworthy of love for most of my life and I went looking for it in all the wrong bedrooms. I mistook lust for love and became more and more desperate in my search for romance and fulfillment. I was a late bloomer, my first time was when I was just about 18. I had just changed schools and was hanging out with a girl that did drugs and had dodgy friends. One of her frien...

When I was a teenager, I was OOOOOBSESSED with Marilyn Manson. Everything that man did, I was all over. I loved how he was unapologetically insanely different to everyone and everything. I always felt like a black sheep to not only my family, but to the world, and for some reason, it always made me feel inferior and unworthy. So when I found Manson, his music and musings became the catalyst that n ot only allowed, but encouraged, me to fly my freak flag high. I was weird yet wonderful and unashamed of my uniqueness for the first time in my life. I reveled in the spotlight that came from being the odd bod, the goth kid, the weirdo in black, the loser, the raven haired freak. I was finally comfortable and confident in myself. I went from wallflower to a walking Halloween tribute practically overnight. People used to point and stare, but it didn't bother me, in fact, it gave me a bit of a thrill. And then Manson married Dita Von Teese. And naturally my obsession grew to in...