The Ruby Knight Chronicles

#1 Money is like sex, you only miss it when you don't have it. So just have lots of it. Money and sex. Two birds one tip. Problems solved.  #2 Every ex you've ever had will never have better than you. It's a fact. Don't stalk them on Facebook OK. Just trust me. Their new partners suck. Probably. #3 No one gives a shit about what kind of car you drive. Unless it's a monster truck. Bitches love monster trucks. #4 Chocolate is not the enemy. Chocolate-wannabe sultanas are. Stop the chocolate hate crime  #freethechocolate #5 Everyone's genitals look funny. It's for entertainment purposes. Icebreakers if you will. Why else would we have them?! #6 Farting silently and acting innocent is still one of the funniest things one can do with excretions from an orifice. Unless you laugh your drink out through your nose. That shit is funny. #7 Cellulite is the Braille version of bedroom eyes. #8 Anyone who receives an unauthorized vision rape by way of dick pic, ha...

For any kiwis thinking about traveling across Australia, here's a few handy pointers; 1. Check under every toilet seat. Use your foot for bonus points. Just trust me on this.  2. Don't be afraid to take the road less traveled. Just make sure you've got roadside rescue because sitting in the middle of nowhere in desert-like heat is a wee bit of a holiday downer. 3. Do not swim anywhere unless it's chlorinated. Sharks, crocs, jellyfish and snakes don't seem to like swimming pools. 4. You might think sunblock is for pussies but just wait and see how tough you are when your nipples are peeling. 5. If you're driving cross country, be prepared for a fuck load of nothing. Scenic routes usually mean hours of staring at dirt. 6. Kangaroos suck. Don't let their cute confuse you. They're large suicidal assholes that rejoice in fucking your car's shit right up. Extra tip- drive when the sun is up, roos are apparently scared of the sun. 7. Petrol prices h...

Yesterday marked a huge anniversary for me;  ONE ENTIRE YEAR IN AUSTRALIA! I never thought that I'd survive this far away from my family and friends but after the hellish first six months came an amazing following six months. I love my life and I've never been so happy, even if I'm sometimes homesick. This past year I've made some incredible friends, landed the most insanely satisfying and rewarding job with the best bosses anyone could ask for and found a second family that loves and supports me unconditionally. I've traveled across the country, seeing and doing things I never thought possible. I've overcome humongous hardship and heartache, with the help of three very special ladies that I'm so lucky to have in my life. I've seen the Queen Dita Von Teese perform live and hugged a koala, knocking two things off my bucket list in a matter of months. I've booked and paid for an amazing holiday coming up in six months where I'll meet my Mum...

We're such a selfish society. We take everything that everyone says and does and we turn it into being about ourselves. Someone gets 1475357 likes on their post after you've posted something incredibly similar beforehand yet you've only received 4 likes, including a pity thumbs up from mum. Obviously something is wrong with you. Let's disregard the logical facts that said post-copier might have m ore friends/family/stalkers/ etc. Or their Facebook fans might be more proactive than yours. Or they posted at a time when more people would see it than yours. Or a million other reasons that don't actually have anything to do with you or your selfworth or how people see you. But regardless of all that sense and reason, you still take this shit uber personally and get decidedly depressed because post-copycatter is clearly way cooler than you'll ever be. Doesn't that sound like some seriously self-absorbed bullshit? And we do this kind of thing all the time. ...

No offence to the rarity that is the 'nice' blokes, but like, what the actual fuck men of the world?!! I'm really struggling to understand why guys started thinking it was peachy to TRY to solicit sex without so much as a "how's your father?". And why they feel it's alright to put on the unmanwhore mask, thus lulling us ladies into a false sense of chivalry, until they inevitably end up whipping  it off as they whip it out to send the infamous dick pic. Are shady one liners and snapshots of one man cockpits the best any of us single ladies are ever going to get? Don't confuse my disdain for sexism though. I love men. I love how they can change lightbulbs and open jarlids and relocate creepy household disturbances otherwise known as bugs. But mostly I love how they don't have the 59 million emotional thoughtwaves zooming through their heads like us ladyfolk, so they're usually a one thought at a time kind of people, making them pretty eas...

Do you know what grinds my girl gears more than anything? That successful women HAVE to be beautiful women. Just about every female "role model" that we have is usually famous for being good looking. Yet their male counterparts seem to have been excluded from this beauties-only club. But why?  Why do females have to feel attractive in order to feel powerful? Why are there so many superficial conditions thrust upon our sex? And what can we do to make a positive change for ourselves, and the women we know and love? Just about every photo I post, goes through a rigourous "will men still want to sheetsaddle me after seeing this photo?" check... Pimples? Photoshop. Eyebags? Photoshop. Extra lumps and bumps? Photoshop. Just plain ugly? Photoshop. No friends/life outside of Netflix? You guessed it. Photoshop. The rise of social networking has given more push on the rise for appearance perfection. It's most evident in our disgust at being tagged in photos that l...

Someone once told me that I expected too much from a partner. And it got me thinking, maybe I do and that's why I'm still single? So here's a few things I'd like from the future Mr Knight, and if it's asking too much, y'all better let me know or the SPCA will be fresh outa cats #1 He needs to be funny as fuck because it can't be left to me to carry us both. #2 He needs to be patient as fuck. Because me. #3 He needs to be caring as fuck because I'm a sensitive needy little fucker that needs more attention than a newborn. #4 He needs to be randy as fuck to be able to keep up with me. Batteries are too damn expensive! #5 He needs to be stubborn as fuck to be able to outdo my Ox-like will. #6 He needs to be frugal as fuck to withstand my shopping spree storms. #7 He needs to be Henry Cavil as fuck. Because Henry Cavil. #8 He needs to be understanding as fuck especially when we're running late and I make us later because fuck you eyeliner. #9 He...

A lot of men seem to be advocating the "Friends With Benefits' movement nowadays. Which to me is just a man that's keen on all the perks of dating minus the effort of actually committing. It's bullshit fed to us ladies in the hopes that we'll be desperate enough to eat it up. And a lot of us do, because we're confused about feminism and girl sexual power, or we're rekindling a halfassed affair wit h a previous lover, or we're scared of commitment ourselves or we're just plain lonely. But we're selling ourselves short here girls. Remember that old saying about not buying a cow that's giving away free milk. Well. We're the cows. And our milk is far more precious than a 2am drunken text asking "come mine?". Sex is an amazing beautiful powerful thing. And the only thing that makes it better is having a connection that's more than just a physical one. We're being sold relationship propaganda by society, by men and by...

Dating is a lot like playing a game. There's usually two players (sometimes more depending on the game you like/how kinky you are), some set rules and a whole lot of moves to make before winning. Sometimes players cheat, sometimes they play fair. But for the most part, there's always a strategy involved. Especially when it comes to men. I've seen and heard it all. The white lies. The empty gestur es. The game plans whether they be fantastic, flawed or full of shit. I've been ego-patted, gift-showered and flat out accosted with sexual innuendos. In the world of online dating, sometimes I get virtual flowers, but most times I just get dick pics. If a guy makes a move, I can usually pick his game from a mile off. And it amazes me at just how few of us girls that can actually do the same. So I've put together a little list of the most obvious and outrageous players and their plays, and hopefully it'll arm the lasses with more of a fighting chance in the craz...

Week five on the road. First proper lazy day off in a week. Slept in until 8:30, now I'm sitting in a rainforest having coffee. My job definitely doesn't get boring. Last time I posted I was heading to Townsville. The Chilean couple I was traveling/working with left and my boss Alf arrived up to work with me. We left Townsville and drove the 4hrs north to Cairns where we enjoyed a few lazy days,  restaurant meals and 59 million cups of coffee. We then drove 12hrs north east to Weipa, which included 2hrs drive in torrential rain at night with kamikaze kangaroos and dirt roads that resembled rivers more than roads. Stayed a few days there before heading right up to the very top of Australia, to a little place called Bamaga. We had beachfront accommodation which was stunning, if you ignored the fact that the water was filled with crocodiles. A few days later and we were back in Cairns where Alf swapped places with his wife Tash. Us two girls hit the road again and ended up i...

I'm ovulating. And I know that not because of some weird app that tracks aunt flow's monthly visitations, but because I'm having a "fuck my single life" moment. Or FMSL. Once a month I get really sooky. Like tempted to text my ex for an obviously disastrous any other time of the month reunion type sooky. Everywhere I turn there's motherfucking couples holding motherfucking hands and being all m otherfucking cute and shit. And then there's me holding my own hand thinking about my cat. For the most part I really dig being a solo senorita, who can spend as much money at Kmart and flirt with as many unsuspecting innocent male bystanders as she likes. But these ovulation-induced relationship pangs really make my single girl spasms start to hurt. And I find myself reevaluating and reimagining every encounter with the opposite sex that I've ever had. Shitty ex-boyfriends become born-again potential hubsters. Drunken foolish one night stands begin to s...

At 17 I met the love of my life. At 28 I walked away from him forever.  The love never died. A year on and I still love him. I still catch myself thinking about him and missing him. But it's far too late and there's far too much water that's crossed under too many bridges to ever be reunited again.  We never learnt how to let our egos go. We never learnt how to be a team. We just didn't know how  to get past our disagreements and arguments, so they haunted us well past being done. Little mistakes became mountains of pain and hurt. Small and petty became life-ruining big. And eventually love just wasn't enough anymore. The last time I saw him, I was getting in my car and had this dull beating pain in my heart. I knew after 9yrs this would be the last time. My mind rushed back through the years of love and happiness. I got out of my car and wrapped my arms around him. He stood there awkwardly. I didn't want to let go, but I had to. This hug wasn't a big e...

As you get older, your amount of fucks to give away diminishes, along with your ovary omelette makers. So, you find yourself letting go of cares and concerns that once seemed Everest, and now in age, have become those waste of time road bumps that are so little that you don't even need to slow down for them. Some people refer to aging as the gaining of wisdom or maturity, but in actual fact, it's more like an increasingly lazier approach to fuck giving. I'm not quite over the hill yet, but my days of certain fuck giveth and taketh have long since died out, and with that comes a sense of freedom and independence, but mostly a sticketh to the maneth attitude born of aging rebellion. Things that used to stress me to the point of alcoholism back in my teens, no longer seem so significant in the grand scheme of things. A few years ago I found a rogue grey hair. I plucked the fucker out but I'm pretty sure it planted the seed of carefreeness which has been silentl...

22nd June 2016 Week three at the gold coast.  What a hard, emotional and rather lonely journey my time in Australia has been so far. I've had to step outside my comfort zone more times than ever before and every day brings a new challenge to rise to. The hardest one is by far having to keep myself to myself. At the moment, I have no friends or family here so most of my free time is spent on my own. I've never f elt so isolated in my entire life. I miss everyone back home beyond words and would do anything for an "everything will be ok, love" cuddle. But beginnings are never easy, especially the big ones, and rewards come from hard work and perseverance, so I'll just keep trucking along like I always do until life gets easier/better. On the flipside, there are many positives that have come from jumping the ditch, and I'm very grateful to the family I live with who have given me the opportunity for a new life. I'm living in a beautiful house and hav...

It's not hard to be a good friend but for some reason, so many of us get it completely wrong. Friendship breakups, or 'friendups' as I like to call them, can be just as damaging and painful as romantic breakups. Yet barely anyone seems to acknowledge them, let alone reflect upon and learn from them. So the vicious friendup cycle is able to continue on and on completely under the radar. I decided  to put together a little list of what I think it takes to be a good friend. The bare essentials to friendship. Of course every bond is different but without these core qualities, just about every friendship will suffer. The first step to having a strong and happy friendship is trust. One of the worst things you could do to a friend is betray their confidence. Once you've destroyed their trust, everything else suffers for it and eventually that friend will drift away. You both need to be able to come to each other with things no one else can or should know about, and...

Come See Ruby On Facebook   14th April 2016 I actually did it. I moved country. I got on a plane with a suitcase of things and flew to the very end of Australia. I've been here two weeks now and I still can't quite believe it. Biggest scariest thing I've ever done in my life. Asides from missing my brother and cat like mad, it's been an amazing adventure so far. Let me take you riiiiight back to the start. Thursday night. Night before I leave Kawerau. After an ordeal with my passport being mucked up and then having to pay for it to be rushed and freaking the freak out about it, all was thankfully sorted out miraculously and my passport awaited me in Auckland. All of my last night at home I'm frantically going through my years of collecting hoarder stuff because I ALWAYS leave things to the last minute. Threw out 14 bags of things I no longer needed/wanted. Filled my dad's spare room. Loaded my suitcases. Said my goodbyes. Made them casual and...

Come See Ruby On Facebook I've never used to be the type of person that would talk about their feelings. I used to think I could get through life like this, until I met my first serious boyfriend. My lack of emotional communication skills often led to some very heated exchanges. I would let my hurts and annoyances fester inside of me until they became too big to contain and would end up erupting in a slew of cursewords and  abuse. It got so bad that my ex felt too scared to talk to me about anything. I knew I had to make a change but I just didn't know how. So with any new venture I take in life, I started slow. I began by being honest with myself about my feelings rather than burying them deep down and forgetting about them until it was too late. I quickly learned that I was a very sensitive person and that people's words and actions affected me deeply and often. At first I thought my sensitivity was a major flaw, but now I know it's one of my greatest st...

Come See Ruby On Facebook Thank you for holding my handbag without flinching every time I need to use the loo.  Thank you for giving me your jersey when it's cold even though you told me it would be cold and I should take a jacket but I chose to ignore you because my outfit was on point. Thank you for holding my hand even when it's sweatier than a fat man's crotch in a sauna. Thank you for letting me touch your eyelashes because they're so dark and long and pretty. Thank you for massaging my feet after a long day in the very shoes you told me would hurt my feet. Thank you for saying "good morning beautiful" to me even when I wake up looking like a sasquatch that's been electrocuted. Thank you for pretending you don't hear me fart. Thank you for putting on my necklaces and bracelets even when the clasps are ridiculously tiny in your giant manhands. Thank you for letting me warm my icicle feet up on your body. Thank you for getting excited every tim...

Come See Ruby On Facebook Once upon a time there was a girl who was best of friends with a boy.  He looked like Ben Harper. He was crazy and funny and as open and honest as I was. I loved him from the moment we first talked to each other. He was my friend's older sister's boyfriend's friend. I remember being really excited about seeing him whenever I arrived to see my friend. But we weren't fast friends though. I was too busy being a skank and he was too busy probably being the same thing. I'm not even sure how we got each other's numbers but a few years later we caught up and were as thick as thieves. Harper was my comedian when I was having a bad day. He was my assassin when someone hurt me. And my masseuse when my back was achey. He is to this day one of the funniest people I've ever met and one of my most loyal friends. We got up to all kinds of mischief together and one of my favourite New Years was spent in his garage talking the night away high o...

When people don't like me, it really gets under my skin. I pride myself on being a people person. I like to be liked. I try hard to maintain relationships and would do anything to help a friend in need. Most of the time, I end up giving much more than I ever get back, and it's become such a common occurrence that I'm actually surprised when a friend is a friend back to me. And that's a little bit  depressing really.  Just recently a girl I thought was my friend, blocked me on Facebook. I've been there for her for work commitments, birthday parties, relationship struggles, tragedies, etc. And not once has she ever returned the favour. And I never expected her to. Looking back now, it's pretty obvious that she just used me, but that doesn't stop the hurt of being tossed aside without rhyme or reason. I don't have a lot of friends, and none in the area that I live. So the ones that I do give my friendship to, they usually mean much more to me ...