The Grass Isn't Greener


3rd May 2016

 I've been in aussie for about 5 weeks or so now. It was going swimmingly but this week I just can't seem to shake this heavy feeling off from my head and heart. Missing home. Missing my cat. Missing my family. But mostly I'm missing this amazing little guy. 

I'm taking things a day at a time but this week is just so not a good week. I feel so out of place, like I don't belong here. Like an intruder almost. I was really lucky to have my friend and her family take me in, and they've been really great, but I just can't shake this offness. It's like when you go to a party and you don't know anyone and everyone has grown up together and they all have their stories and inside jokes and memories. And you're just like this random loser laughing when everyone else laughs without even knowing what you're laughing about. You try to fit in, and you get little snippets of feeling like a part of the team, but deep down you know you're the outsider. And once you notice it, you can't stop noticing it. A thorn in your mind. So you take a step back. And another. And another. And eventually you've stepped back so much that you're now standing outside looking in, trying to work out how to get back inside again.

It started out as a trickle of doubt but my depression is just feeding it daily. I know it's probably all in my mind but that blanket of fear and doubt and sadness is weighing down hard on me. I need to ride through it and the only way I ever find my way out at the other side is to talk about it. So here it is. My uncut raw emotions and thoughts. On the page. Open for scrutiny and judgement and opinions. It always makes me feel a little brave when I share so deeply with you all. And bravery gets me a step closer inside to the party. So that's a start. My start.

Depression doesn't go away just because you've convinced yourself it will. And it doesn't mean your life is shit or the people around you are shit or even that you are shit. Depression IS shit though. But the good news is that it's only as big and strong as you let it be. I've had my few days of feeling sorry for myself. Tomorrow is a new day. Starting with an early morning walk to get those endorphins pumping.

If you're feeling like you're drowning, you're never alone. Reach out for help. Talk about it. Fucking scream and shout if you need to. Just do something. Anything. Because doing nothing is how you lose. And you're far too fucking awesome to be a loser.

Until next time,
Ruby xx

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