The Ruby Knight Chronicles

So I jumped on the Netflix bingewatch bandwagon and started watching  13 Reasons Why  and I have to say, I didn't think that it would affect me so profoundly. But it has. I didn't know much about the show before I started watching but I've sat here for ages absolutely hooked. And it's not just because it's a well-written show, it's because it's real. It happens. The suicide rates, especially amon gst our youth, are only further proof that it happens. These are not just statistics. These are real people with real hurts that are so painful that they cannot see past them. The victims are real. And you might think that it doesn't affect you, but it does. We've all been the victims of others. Of words. Of rumours. Of bullying. Everything we do has the potential to affect others, be it good or bad. Everything we do has consequences. The rise of social networking only helped open further the door of social humiliation, social harassment and social h...

Suicide. We've all been touched by it. We've all witnessed the devastation it creates in our lives. We've all seen the heartache it leaves behind. It's easy to be angry at suicide. It's easy to blame suicide for everything. It's easy to lose sight of why suicide came into your life.  But just remember, suicide isn't the culprit. Suicide is the escape route. The shortcut to relief. The short-term "right here right now" and not the long-term "time heals give it time". Suicide is the easy. When you're so overwhelmed with sadness or regret or pain or anger, that's all you can see. That's all you can think about. That's all you feel. Logic leaves. Hurt overrides. And nothing that should matter, can matter anymore. But you mustn't take suicide personally. Don't let it overcome your feelings for your loved one that's succumbed to it or attempted it. Don't let it make you feel like a failure or a mistake or...

Once upon a time there was a girl who the universe decided to impart its wisdom upon. But the universe is not all stars and moons, so with this wisdom came great challenge and sacrifice for the girl. She had heartache and tragedy thrust upon her. She was tested by the universe. It wanted to see if she was worthy of all it had to give her. Her first test was strength.  The universe saw that the gi rl had become separated from the good of mankind and darkness had fallen on her weak heart. She was following the path of the wrong and the unjust. She knew that her journey was not honorable but she ignored the signs that the universe sent her and continued to trek her way into the abyss. Finally the universe grew tired of her wandering and sent to her its first big challenge. After the girl was beaten and raped, the universe sent small comfort by way of its beautiful night sky and the companionship of a fellow wanderer to soften the girl's ordeal. And then the universe waited. Wh...

  Come See Ruby On Facebook 3rd May 2016 I've been in aussie for about 5 weeks or so now. It was going swimmingly but this week I just can't seem to shake this heavy feeling off from my head and heart. Missing home. Missing my cat. Missing my family. But mostly I'm missing this amazing little guy.  I'm taking things a day at a time but this week is just so not a good week. I feel so out of place, like I don't belong here. Like an intrud er almost. I was really lucky to have my friend and her family take me in, and they've been really great, but I just can't shake this offness. It's like when you go to a party and you don't know anyone and everyone has grown up together and they all have their stories and inside jokes and memories. And you're just like this random loser laughing when everyone else laughs without even knowing what you're laughing about. You try to fit in, and you get little snippets of feeling like a part of the team, b...

Come See Ruby On Facebook Do you ever just have days where you feel so unplugged from the world around you? Those days where you try your hardest to reattach to everyone and everything but it seems the harder you try, the more you seem to just drift away from it all. Where you feel like you're drowning underneath this invisible all-encompassing all-consuming blanket of just nothingness and everythingness all at once, and n othing you do can free you from its suffocating grip. You're worthless. Invisible. Villainous. Ostracized. Nothing. And no one even seems to notice just how hard it is for you to breath. No one sees that blanket of fear and guilt and shame and anxiety that's bearing down on you slowly strangling the life from your body. No one recognises your desperate gasps for normality. You're alone. And that's simultaneously the best and worst part of all of it. That's just a glimpse into how it feels to live with depression. A slight scratch o...

I've been bullied, assaulted, neglected, backstabbed, raped, abused, forgotten, ignored, mocked, harassed, suicidal, broke, sick, unstable and so so so much more throughout my 28 short years. And every time I've gone through something, I've thought it was the end of me.  I'd cry nonstop. Then sleep nonstop. Then eat nonstop. I just never dealt with my issues positively. I wanted people to care fo r me when I didn't care for myself. I wanted to blame the world for what was going on inside of me. I wanted to be the victim. But there was no superhero that came to save the day. Sure people tried to make things better for me but my mindset and attitude ensured they were never successful. Feeling sorry felt too good. Self-pity is a seductive mistress with an addictive hold. As with any addiction, eventually you overcome it, or it overcomes you. I knew I had to save myself. So one day I changed my name so that I could always be my own Knight in shining armour, and then...

Minutes after this photo, I was throwing up my dinner in the toilet. All my life, I've felt like the ugly duckling. And a big part of the reason behind that was being curvier than the other girls. In my mind, curvy meant chubby, and chubby was the opposite of sexy and beautiful. So I did everything possible to try to change the size and shape of my body, including some things I'm now horrified t o admit I ever did. Like binging and purging. I love food. I love how food can bring people together and for someone that's felt incredibly lonely all their life, food became not only a vital social activity, but eventually a mistaken form of comfort. It got to the point where I'd eat when I was sad, angry, celebrating, commiserating, for any reason whatsoever. The weight piled on along with the depression. I had to do something, drastic. Rather than taking away my comfort, I continued to eat, but I'd literally eat myself to the point of feeling sick. The first time ...

You don't know what's worth living for until you're facing your own demise. I've always been a sensitive soul, although I'm sure some friends and family members would probably describe it more as 'dramaqueenness'. I remember being about 5 or 6 years old and every time we went to our local video store, I'd try to get my parents to hire out this awesome looking animal tape from the kids castle. It  had heaps of cute bunnies on the cover, and I had a pet rabbit called 'George', so I was certain I'd absolutely love this movie. But Mum always said no. I thought she was being mean. She wasn't. She was just protecting my sensitiveness. The movie was 'Watership Down'. I'm 28 now and I'm yet to see the movie or read the book. I hired it out from the library one time, but the cover photo depicting a rabbit trap meant I never actually even turned the front cover over. I know my sensitivity limitations. But it's taken me all m...