The Ruby Knight Chronicles

Tonight I decided to drive to the next town and go out for dinner hansolo after dropping my grandparents off at the bowling club. They evidently have a far greater social life than i do with their regular drinking and gambling (how fucking badass is that for two old codgers?!) but that's another story for another day. When I walked into the restaurant, the waitress gave me this kind of funny kind of judgeymcjudgealots look and asked, "Hi there, is it just a table for one or....oh...yeah you're alone hey..." We walk over to my booth. "...it must be hard going out alone?" Yes bitch. I'm all alone in the world, husbandless and childless, I'm failing miserably at this shit, should I just go slit my wrists now? or you could keep plunging that dagger into my heart? "No, I'm used to doing things on my own" "...oh. well that's lucky then. I'll be back shortly with your menus...menu. .." So that was how my nigh...

Things that people do that drive me around the fucking bend that I'm not allowed to punch them in the boob for doing. Episode One. #1 Breathing. Especially through their mouths and that almost-snoring type rasping happens that makes you assume they're sick so you suck it up because they can't help being sick now can they? But eventually YOU get sick... and fucking tired of listening to some asshole's sick breathing so you ask them if they're sick as a subtle hint that their sick breathing is ridiculous but then they say they're not sick and you're just like whaaaaaaaaaat?!! #2 Eating. When they're chewing with their mouths open like some bloody cow chewing cud out in the field in the middle of the wops where said cow's chewing can only annoy other noisy cows chewing cud. #3 Taking too long to do things. Like when you're waiting in line at the petrol station and Martha the server is creating a goddamn lifestory by telling her lifestory to B...

Since the Golden Globes show aired, there's been a whole lotta shade being thrown at my inspogoddess Amy Schumer. And why? Because she said that word that outdoes all the other words in the whole entire universe of words (except the N-word. And no its not 'naenae' as much as we all wished it was. What the actual fuck is even a naenae anyways? Is it like a N-word bae that you love twice as much? These things i ponder). So back on track, I'm like one of those people in Harry Potter that actually says 'Voldemort' rather than 'he-who-shall-not-be-named' (so i guess you could say I'm pretty ruthless) and therefore I'm just gonna come right out and say it, Miss A.Schu said 'cunt'. And people have lost their minds. I'm gonna let this post finish, but i just gotta say.... Kayne West is telling everyone he's a genius and that's like acceptable... ? Um. Really? Sorry but I'd rather listen to the sound of my bonedry cunt being pilla...