You Are Enough


You're far more valuable than you think.

Have you ever felt like no one would ever notice if the earth just gobbled you up and you were never to be seen again? Have you ever sat in a bathroom at school or work, just to eat your lunch alone without looking like such an outcast? Have you ever been so lonely that you find yourself reaching out to complete strangers online just to have some semblance of normal human interaction?

I have. To all of the above. And there are days when worthlessness and loneliness team up to become a self-esteem super-villain and they just pick away at my guards until I'm completely broken and utterly vulnerable to their negativity. Those are the days when I can't look in the mirror. Where my greatest achievements mean nothing. When nothing anyone says can convince me that I'm worth more than what I'm giving to, and getting for, myself. The days that would never exist if I just believed that I was enough.

I've always felt inadequate. I think that my inner torments are actually half the reason why I end up doing anything successful or meaningful in my life. I'm always pushing myself to do more, to do better, to be greater. Nothing is ever enough though. I'm the worst critic that I've ever had, and the worst part is, there's no escape from it. No escape from me. It's like you've just been horrendously beaten by someone, and then you have to sit in the same room as them. How do you recover from that?

I've decided to take the journey to self acceptance slowly. After all, I've battled and bruised and belittled myself for most of my life so far, and as destructive as it has been, it's almost like an addiction or a habit now. I'm just so used to just thinking the worst of myself, which is actually quite ridiculous because I usually only see the best in other people even if they give no reason for it. I treat others far better than I've ever treated myself. I don't know why or when I started valuing everyone else more than I value myself, but I know it's definitely time to change. So that's my first selfloves baby step. Rather than constantly comparing myself to the perceived greatness I see in others, I'm going to start using that energy in a more positive and constructive way. I'm going to rewire my brain to turn a comparison judgement into a comparison compliment. So the next time I find myself thinking "oh she's far prettier than I am", I'm going to stop then turn it into an opportunity to say something good about myself "she's very pretty but I love how my face shows more character than hers".

It's going to be hard work trying to change a lifetime of bad habits, but I'm determined to see this internal transformation right through until the day I wake up happy to be me. The day I finally truly believe that I am enough.

Until next time,
Ruby xx

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