How To Not Suck At Breakups

Warning: this post is very NSFW. There's a lot of curse words and sexual references. In time you'll expect this from me, but for now I'll warn you. Like MTV does before every single godforsaken "reality" show they play instead of music. On Music TV. Yeaaaaaahhhh....

No one ever really teaches you how to bounce back after a serious relationship ends (rebounding seems a little risky when you live in a town inhabited mostly by your relatives so that's out for me). I've heard all the bullshit "time heals" nonsense cliches and not once has it ever helped me in any way at all when someone mentions it. It mostly makes me want to punch said cliche-giver in the face. With a brick. And then tell them "oooh but time heals, right?" Yeah ok so I may have some unresolved anger management issues. Probably.

So after extensive research (few minutes perusing Google) all I seemed to find was the same old airy fairy hippylove hug the world fucking cliches. Hell. Some "experts" even recommend maintaining a friendship with your ex. Why the fuck would anyone want to stick around and watch the genitals that used to smush into their genitals, start to smush into other people's genitals?! I'm pretty sure there's a term for that and it makes me think of that crazy bitch in 50 Shades of Grey. The one with the gun that he creepily ends up bathing (did anyone else see that coming,  WTF right?!). I know you've all read the books so just nod along in acknowledgement here.

So anyways. Research proved to be useless. So i guess that leaves it to experience. Regardless of what everyone may think about me (ok so i may have whored myself out when i was young/Thursdays nights at the Cosmopolitan Club) but I've actually only had one serious relationship so I'm not super experienced here. The romance lasted a good 10 years or so. And I was hook line and sinkered to the dude, regardless of his shortcomings (cough cough). So when we fiiiiiiiinally called it quits after a 2 year on/off/on again breakup, it hit me like that one shot too many in the club where you're just standing there trying to work out if your body can still function and where you can vomit/cry privately in a hurry. In other words, I was ruined. Few months have gone by since and i still find myself occasionally crying whilst masterbating but I do think I've come a long way. And that's all thanks to doing EVERY single worst fucking thing you could ever do wrong after a breakup.

I strongly believe in teaching others through my own fuckups so I've put together a list of things I'd advise against doing after your relationship ends. If you choose to do them anyways, you should totally record that shit, so your grandkids can laugh at how ridiculous you were back in the day. It'll make for great Christmas Day lunch conversation.

#1
You must NEVER fuck your ex's;
Sibling
Friend
Parent
Grandparent
Current partner
Pet rock
Aunt or uncle
Cousin....
..... Yeah you get the picture. Sure it might seem like the perfect revenge at the time, but you want to look like the bigger person not monster. Go find yourself a random and rebound that way. Don't forget to rug up, you're not in Guatemala now Dr Ropata!

#2
You should not share intimate photos of your ex.
Are you ready for the world to watch your sextape? And by world i mean your mum/dad/boss/5 year old neice etc. If your ex has nothing to dish back on you then sure, share their junk on Facebook. But unless you're ready for the repercussions, just stick to laughing at the photos with your friends/soft toys.

#3
Never get drunk and ring your ex crying.
Sad and pathetic only elicits pity fucks, and unless you're willing to lower yourself to the levels of a middle-aged married man getting his only action for the year on his birthday, then put the phone down and walk away. I recommend crying whilst masterbating, much classier.

#4
Stop talking about your ex to;
Friends
Family
Workmates
Neighbors
Mailman
That lady in front of you in line at the petrol station.
No one cares about the time your ex won you that big teddy bear by shooting the ducks at the fair, or the time your ex held your hair back while you vomited, or the time you and your ex decided to try swinging.
Your relationship is dead. Stop dragging that shit out yo and go get some better work stories. You'll never move forward without tripping over if you're only looking back. Lift thar head up, remind yourself that you're a badass mofo, get out into the world and fuck shit up. Or join a book club. Whatever.

I think that's enough worldly wisdom for one night.

Until next time,
Ruby xx