The Ruby Knight Chronicles

  Come See Ruby On Facebook 3rd May 2016 I've been in aussie for about 5 weeks or so now. It was going swimmingly but this week I just can't seem to shake this heavy feeling off from my head and heart. Missing home. Missing my cat. Missing my family. But mostly I'm missing this amazing little guy.  I'm taking things a day at a time but this week is just so not a good week. I feel so out of place, like I don't belong here. Like an intrud er almost. I was really lucky to have my friend and her family take me in, and they've been really great, but I just can't shake this offness. It's like when you go to a party and you don't know anyone and everyone has grown up together and they all have their stories and inside jokes and memories. And you're just like this random loser laughing when everyone else laughs without even knowing what you're laughing about. You try to fit in, and you get little snippets of feeling like a part of the team, b...

Come See Ruby On Facebook Do you ever just have days where you feel so unplugged from the world around you? Those days where you try your hardest to reattach to everyone and everything but it seems the harder you try, the more you seem to just drift away from it all. Where you feel like you're drowning underneath this invisible all-encompassing all-consuming blanket of just nothingness and everythingness all at once, and n othing you do can free you from its suffocating grip. You're worthless. Invisible. Villainous. Ostracized. Nothing. And no one even seems to notice just how hard it is for you to breath. No one sees that blanket of fear and guilt and shame and anxiety that's bearing down on you slowly strangling the life from your body. No one recognises your desperate gasps for normality. You're alone. And that's simultaneously the best and worst part of all of it. That's just a glimpse into how it feels to live with depression. A slight scratch o...

Come See Ruby On Facebook Sometimes when everything goes wrong, and keeps going wrong, we get caught up in this vicious cycle of fear and comfort. Fear of change, the unknown, more failure, going it alone. And comfortable in the chaos because it's what we're used to. What we know. What we begin to expect from life. Until you're ready to seek new horizons, your circumstances will never get any better. Sure if you start ane w, you might fail. But even greater; you might succeed. Never be afraid to step out on a ledge in life. Fear is nothing but a limitation you put on yourself. You deserve to live a fulfilling and abundant and amazing life. Stop selling yourself short because you're too scared or too comfortable to get out in the world and chase your dreams. The only wasted life is one filled with wasted opportunities. Be brave. I was a month ago when I decided to move countries and start again, and I've never been happier. Until next time, Ruby xx

Come See Ruby On Facebook 17th April 2016 I'm a bit of a lone wolf at heart. I'm so used to doing everything by myself and whenever I'm sick or going through something, I retreat and deal with things on my own without people even noticing something was wrong. I've never really had anyone that pushed through the barriers I create and force their way in to help me. On rare occasions I get my parents involved but for the most part I tend to remain closed off and stubbornly independent. I think it stems from not wanting to be a burden on anyone. And that stems from not feeling confident in myself enough to feel comfortable reaching out. And also from being the "go to" person. The one that rolls their sleeves up and does what needs doing without a second thought. When that's a part of your nature, you tend to just crack on with things without looking for other's involvement. Sometimes being so independent is a blessing because I feel co...

Come See Ruby On Facebook   14th April 2016 I actually did it. I moved country. I got on a plane with a suitcase of things and flew to the very end of Australia. I've been here two weeks now and I still can't quite believe it. Biggest scariest thing I've ever done in my life. Asides from missing my brother and cat like mad, it's been an amazing adventure so far. Let me take you riiiiight back to the start. Thursday night. Night before I leave Kawerau. After an ordeal with my passport being mucked up and then having to pay for it to be rushed and freaking the freak out about it, all was thankfully sorted out miraculously and my passport awaited me in Auckland. All of my last night at home I'm frantically going through my years of collecting hoarder stuff because I ALWAYS leave things to the last minute. Threw out 14 bags of things I no longer needed/wanted. Filled my dad's spare room. Loaded my suitcases. Said my goodbyes. Made them casual and...

Come See Ruby On Facebook As much as I like to think I'm a badass warrior bitch queen with full body armour made of dragon's scales and diamonds, sometimes things can still get to me. And more often than not, they're things that appear to be only insignificant and small. But usually they're the last straws. I don't often let the chaos of the world, and of others, enter my life, but some days I'm feeling a little sad or ti red or unwell or I just had a bad day. And on those days I'm weaker than usual. And vulnerable. And these things can then manage to find a way in past my armour and strike me right in the heart. And it hurts more than it should because these seemingly tiny little things have momentum. They're powered by all the other things that have struck me in the past and all the ones that tried to get in to hurt me but couldn't until this one little thing paved the way. And suddenly they've overcome me. And I feel like I'm wounde...

Come See Ruby On Facebook I've never used to be the type of person that would talk about their feelings. I used to think I could get through life like this, until I met my first serious boyfriend. My lack of emotional communication skills often led to some very heated exchanges. I would let my hurts and annoyances fester inside of me until they became too big to contain and would end up erupting in a slew of cursewords and  abuse. It got so bad that my ex felt too scared to talk to me about anything. I knew I had to make a change but I just didn't know how. So with any new venture I take in life, I started slow. I began by being honest with myself about my feelings rather than burying them deep down and forgetting about them until it was too late. I quickly learned that I was a very sensitive person and that people's words and actions affected me deeply and often. At first I thought my sensitivity was a major flaw, but now I know it's one of my greatest st...