The Ruby Knight Chronicles

When I complain about being alone, it doesn't mean I'm desperate enough to date just anybody that puts their hand up.  I tried to fill the true love void with lots of lovers in my teens and I only ended up feeling worse. I know I might face many more days of being alone but I will never concede defeat in something so important to me as love. Even if it means waking up as a single 60-something yea r old with 60-something cats. Some alone days are harder than others. Those are the days I voice my wish of finding romantic love. But just because I'm willing to admit I'm feeling lonely, doesn't mean I'm willing to be with just anyone so that I'm not alone. Don't tell me to settle. Don't recite to me the 'pros of being single' list. Don't point out every man and his dog that's offered to be my lover, there's a reason I haven't acted upon the requests, trust in my inactivity. Don't belittle or judge me for my day of lonely ...

Today was a fat day. I woke up feeling fat. Every item of clothing that wasn't washing felt uncomfortable on. All my photos from today made me look fat. I felt guilty every time I ate. I kept catching myself holding my tummy like a pregnant chick does with her baby bump so it's pretty obvious that even my self conscious is feeling fat. Wednesday was brought to Ruby by the word 'fat'. Arghhh! Mos t of the time, my weight doesn't bother me. Of course I'd like to have the rest of Scarlett Johansson's body (it's fine Scar, I've got the tits part covered, you're good) but that isn't gonna happen until I'm settled in Aussie and joined up at a gym again. I told myself that my last fortnight in NZ would be worryfree but today just had to go and ruin that. Even when you're a confident curvy mamacita with zero fucks to give, sometimes fucks find you and then they make you give them. So you feel fat. And then fat overcomes you. And all o...

Out of all the things I've shared with you all, this is the one that's scared me the most to be open about. Not because I'm ashamed, but because I know just how powerfully destructive this difference in beliefs can end up becoming. Please read this with an open mind and open heart. Once upon a time I worked as a medium/spiritual consultant.  A lot of people thought I was crazy but a lot more pe ople came to me for help and guidance. I did this work for 3 years before tragedy struck me and I ended up misplacing my faith. I decided to take a break from what I did until I was able to feel confident in who I was again. I'm still not at that point yet but I know one day that I will be. I'm by no means religious but I'm very spiritual. My friends and family were mostly embarrassed by my gifts and what I was doing so publicly without care or concern. My ex even questioned my authenticity. But I never let anyone's judgements deter me from my work. I loved what I...

I was reading through a book called "Dressing Up Vintage" by Tracy Tolkien, and was amazed at some of the fashion facts that I had no idea about. Like did you know that in 1943, billionaire eccentric Howard Hughes, most famous for his contributions to the Aviation industry, invented the Cantilever Underwire Bra? He designed it for  his then girlfriend Jane Russell, to be used in the filming of the movie "The Outlaw", and it's sole purpose was to emphasise her already ample assets. Whilst the book was rather limiting in its substance, it got me intrigued about what other fascinating styles and inventions that may have arisen during the mid part of 1900's. I wanted to completely focus on the Fifties but the more I researched, the more I became overwhelmed with things that occurred before the "Golden Era". I put some thought into it, and decided I didn't want to be pigeon-holed into such a limited duration of time, especially as I live and bre...

The other day I watched my 78 year old, 6-stroke surviving, dementia-gaining, half-paralysed Nanna, get up and walk to the loo without asking for anyone's help. Earlier we had talked about her needing to exercise her legs to stop them from hurting, and somehow she remembered our talk and decided to be proactive. Against all the odds she's facing, even as grim as her outlook might be at times, she  still has some fight in her. I watched her and thought "that's the Nan I remember. That's my warrior Nan". When I was about 15, I did work experience with a photographer from a local newspaper. We had spent the morning taking photos of a store opening in some little nowhere town, and I was beginning to think I'd picked the wrong career experience. And then a call came over the radio and all of a sudden we were rushing off to the next town which was by the sea. We arrived at the fishing wharf and on the jetty were dozens of police and ambulance staff. A man ha...

When people don't like me, it really gets under my skin. I pride myself on being a people person. I like to be liked. I try hard to maintain relationships and would do anything to help a friend in need. Most of the time, I end up giving much more than I ever get back, and it's become such a common occurrence that I'm actually surprised when a friend is a friend back to me. And that's a little bit  depressing really.  Just recently a girl I thought was my friend, blocked me on Facebook. I've been there for her for work commitments, birthday parties, relationship struggles, tragedies, etc. And not once has she ever returned the favour. And I never expected her to. Looking back now, it's pretty obvious that she just used me, but that doesn't stop the hurt of being tossed aside without rhyme or reason. I don't have a lot of friends, and none in the area that I live. So the ones that I do give my friendship to, they usually mean much more to me ...

I've been bullied, assaulted, neglected, backstabbed, raped, abused, forgotten, ignored, mocked, harassed, suicidal, broke, sick, unstable and so so so much more throughout my 28 short years. And every time I've gone through something, I've thought it was the end of me.  I'd cry nonstop. Then sleep nonstop. Then eat nonstop. I just never dealt with my issues positively. I wanted people to care fo r me when I didn't care for myself. I wanted to blame the world for what was going on inside of me. I wanted to be the victim. But there was no superhero that came to save the day. Sure people tried to make things better for me but my mindset and attitude ensured they were never successful. Feeling sorry felt too good. Self-pity is a seductive mistress with an addictive hold. As with any addiction, eventually you overcome it, or it overcomes you. I knew I had to save myself. So one day I changed my name so that I could always be my own Knight in shining armour, and then...