Unpropitious wisdom for a possibly more enjoyable life

#1
Money is like sex, you only miss it when you don't have it. So just have lots of it. Money and sex. Two birds one tip. Problems solved. 

#2
Every ex you've ever had will never have better than you. It's a fact. Don't stalk them on Facebook OK. Just trust me. Their new partners suck. Probably.

#3
No one gives a shit about what kind of car you drive. Unless it's a monster truck. Bitches love monster trucks.

#4
Chocolate is not the enemy. Chocolate-wannabe sultanas are. Stop the chocolate hate crime #freethechocolate

#5
Everyone's genitals look funny. It's for entertainment purposes. Icebreakers if you will. Why else would we have them?!

#6
Farting silently and acting innocent is still one of the funniest things one can do with excretions from an orifice. Unless you laugh your drink out through your nose. That shit is funny.

#7
Cellulite is the Braille version of bedroom eyes.

#8
Anyone who receives an unauthorized vision rape by way of dick pic, has every right to send that nonsense straight to the dick pic sender's friends and family. Better yet, send that shit out to their neighbours, make it like a dick pic offender registry.

#9
Doctors are totally used to seeing every part of their patients. They don't care about your lopsided labias or saggy scotes. Well. They might, but they'll most likely never let you know it.

#10
Life is far too unpredictable and short to spend it being miserable. Be murderous. Jail will make you feel like you have all the time in the world. In failing that, just be happy. Happy is much easier than being a prison bitch after all.

#11
No one gives a shit. Stop stressing about what everyone thinks about you and start stressing about why you think you're so important to matter to everyone. No one is that important. Except Beyonce.

#12
Siblings are the friends god forced upon us all. Play nice. For your mother's sake at least.

#13
Nothing says I love you quite like a chicken nugget bouquet. Except maybe a kitten bouquet. Everybody loves kittens.

#14
Everyone is allowed to worship whomever or whatever they want. Even if they look like a bunch of twats walking around with pasta strainers on their heads.

#15
Your children are bound to fuck up. You fucked up. Let them bask in the glory of lessons hard learned.

You're welcome.

😂😂😂

Until next time,
Ruby xx