It's Raining Men, Every Specimen
I've dated the nicest guy in the world. A man that opened my car door, brought me flowers on every date, was incredibly kind and compassionate, genuinely cared about me, messaged me in the morning to wish me a happy day and messaged me at night to find out all about my day. He was perfect. On paper. But even just writing this, I can't help but.... <YAAAAAAWN>
Poor bloke. There was absolutely nothing wrong with him. But there's clearly a defect in my man-liketh muscle. I turn my nose up at the nice guys, I wish I didn't, life would be fuckloads easier if I didn't. Unfortunately I like the bad guys. The ones with a streak of asshole in them. The ones you know not to bring home to your parents. The ones that always break your heart. So what the fuck is my problem?!! Clearly I know the nice guys are the better bet, but try as I might, eventually I end up walking right over them and then walking away.
So it got me thinking about men. What kinds of categories can I stereotype them into to get a better understanding of the female psyche. Of my psyche. And this is my completely unscientific analysis on the other sex;
#1 Bad Boys.
I often refer to these guys as the "alphas". They run high in testosterone and everyone senses it. Alphas see other alphas as soon as they enter the same room. Betas are in awe or intimidated by them. Women are unwittingly drawn to them. Alphas usually know that girls are totes into what they're throwing down, so they're masters of seduction. It can also make them picky lovers, it's not about the numbers, it's about the challenge. They can have just about any girl they want, so they aim high. They're usually terrible boyfriends because they're used to a 3 night maximum with a lass. Past that, their confidence will begin to wane and they might even begin to treat you like shit in order to try rebalance the power between you. If you can persevere and be patient, understanding and ready to forgive their 59 million fuckups, they can end up becoming amazing partners. But there's the chance that the bad boy will always be a bad boy and you're in for one assfuck of a romantic ride.
#2 Nice Guys.
They finish last. Because they want you to finish first. Single nice guys are a somewhat rare breed, being such a hot commodity they're usually snapped up faster than the last piece of chicken in KFC on crate day. Mums will love them and Dad's will bond with them. They're family-oriented, compassionate and extremely generous with their time and love. They're everything a prince charming should be. But if you're defective like me, they can often end up being boring as fuck. Not due to any fault of their own, but because they're exactly right for you, and often what's right isn't what's exciting. So you can either learn to love them, or let them down easy before breaking their hearts. Don't feel too bad for them though, the undefective girls will sniff them out like a shark sniffs out blood. They won't be alone for long.
#3 The Dating Dorks.
These guys are fucking awkward. They've never really dated, due to career or family commitments, so they're never really too sure of what happens when or who does what. They usually suck at conversation with you, but make best friends wherever they go because they seem to get on with everyone else. They're the ones that take you somewhere cliché on a date, like the movies. And they'll probably either avoid contact fullstop or break out some moves that their grandfathers probably used in the 30s. But give these guys a chance to warm up. Look passed their obvious disastrous dating blunders and bear with them. Eventually they'll realise a date isn't so fucking scary and begin to come out of their shell with you. And besides, you'll have some hilarious stories to tell at your wedding. Which he'll probably be dorky at too.
#4 Manwhores.
These guys are usually somewhat attractive, but no where as attractive as they believe they are. They go to clubs to prey. They can spot an easy root a mile away. Daddy-issue-riddled girls are their drug of choice. Drunk girls are easy pickings. They usually stay closer to sober than drunk, they're not out to drink, they're out to score. Manwhores are very vocal about their conquests to anyone and everyone that will listen. They think they're "the man" because they've fucked their way through the female alphabet. These blokes are usually dud roots with small wangers. They dig quantity over quality. They probably have chlamydia. Avoid these slimy little fuckers like you avoid sobriety at family events. And don't be ashamed if you've been there done that, chances are most of us have. It's a numbers game after all.
#5 Gamers.
They're usually found attached to their Xbox/playstation/computer/
#6 The Typical Bloke.
Often found on the couch watching footy whilst the women are slaving away in the kitchen. But if they man the BBQ, even if you've done all the prep work, salads, desserts, etc, than you're even Stevens because "they cooked". They're usually mummas boys. And probably didn't leave home until a later age. They've got plenty of mates and a sweetspot for beer and sports. They never cry. They never discuss their emotions. And they can be somewhat misogynist with their views of gender roles in relationships, and the world. They will mow the lawns and try to fix the leaky gutter but most housework will be left for you sorry sweetheart. You usually get what you see with these fellas. They might surprise you occasionally with awkward or amateur romance, but don't expect it on the regular. If you're a sappy girl looking for a sappy guy, these blokes will never satisfy you. But if you're a lass that likes the regular Joe blow with a regular Joe blow life, step right up.
Until next time,
Ruby xx
Poor bloke. There was absolutely nothing wrong with him. But there's clearly a defect in my man-liketh muscle. I turn my nose up at the nice guys, I wish I didn't, life would be fuckloads easier if I didn't. Unfortunately I like the bad guys. The ones with a streak of asshole in them. The ones you know not to bring home to your parents. The ones that always break your heart. So what the fuck is my problem?!! Clearly I know the nice guys are the better bet, but try as I might, eventually I end up walking right over them and then walking away.
So it got me thinking about men. What kinds of categories can I stereotype them into to get a better understanding of the female psyche. Of my psyche. And this is my completely unscientific analysis on the other sex;
#1 Bad Boys.
I often refer to these guys as the "alphas". They run high in testosterone and everyone senses it. Alphas see other alphas as soon as they enter the same room. Betas are in awe or intimidated by them. Women are unwittingly drawn to them. Alphas usually know that girls are totes into what they're throwing down, so they're masters of seduction. It can also make them picky lovers, it's not about the numbers, it's about the challenge. They can have just about any girl they want, so they aim high. They're usually terrible boyfriends because they're used to a 3 night maximum with a lass. Past that, their confidence will begin to wane and they might even begin to treat you like shit in order to try rebalance the power between you. If you can persevere and be patient, understanding and ready to forgive their 59 million fuckups, they can end up becoming amazing partners. But there's the chance that the bad boy will always be a bad boy and you're in for one assfuck of a romantic ride.
#2 Nice Guys.
They finish last. Because they want you to finish first. Single nice guys are a somewhat rare breed, being such a hot commodity they're usually snapped up faster than the last piece of chicken in KFC on crate day. Mums will love them and Dad's will bond with them. They're family-oriented, compassionate and extremely generous with their time and love. They're everything a prince charming should be. But if you're defective like me, they can often end up being boring as fuck. Not due to any fault of their own, but because they're exactly right for you, and often what's right isn't what's exciting. So you can either learn to love them, or let them down easy before breaking their hearts. Don't feel too bad for them though, the undefective girls will sniff them out like a shark sniffs out blood. They won't be alone for long.
#3 The Dating Dorks.
These guys are fucking awkward. They've never really dated, due to career or family commitments, so they're never really too sure of what happens when or who does what. They usually suck at conversation with you, but make best friends wherever they go because they seem to get on with everyone else. They're the ones that take you somewhere cliché on a date, like the movies. And they'll probably either avoid contact fullstop or break out some moves that their grandfathers probably used in the 30s. But give these guys a chance to warm up. Look passed their obvious disastrous dating blunders and bear with them. Eventually they'll realise a date isn't so fucking scary and begin to come out of their shell with you. And besides, you'll have some hilarious stories to tell at your wedding. Which he'll probably be dorky at too.
#4 Manwhores.
These guys are usually somewhat attractive, but no where as attractive as they believe they are. They go to clubs to prey. They can spot an easy root a mile away. Daddy-issue-riddled girls are their drug of choice. Drunk girls are easy pickings. They usually stay closer to sober than drunk, they're not out to drink, they're out to score. Manwhores are very vocal about their conquests to anyone and everyone that will listen. They think they're "the man" because they've fucked their way through the female alphabet. These blokes are usually dud roots with small wangers. They dig quantity over quality. They probably have chlamydia. Avoid these slimy little fuckers like you avoid sobriety at family events. And don't be ashamed if you've been there done that, chances are most of us have. It's a numbers game after all.
#5 Gamers.
They're usually found attached to their Xbox/playstation/computer/
#6 The Typical Bloke.
Often found on the couch watching footy whilst the women are slaving away in the kitchen. But if they man the BBQ, even if you've done all the prep work, salads, desserts, etc, than you're even Stevens because "they cooked". They're usually mummas boys. And probably didn't leave home until a later age. They've got plenty of mates and a sweetspot for beer and sports. They never cry. They never discuss their emotions. And they can be somewhat misogynist with their views of gender roles in relationships, and the world. They will mow the lawns and try to fix the leaky gutter but most housework will be left for you sorry sweetheart. You usually get what you see with these fellas. They might surprise you occasionally with awkward or amateur romance, but don't expect it on the regular. If you're a sappy girl looking for a sappy guy, these blokes will never satisfy you. But if you're a lass that likes the regular Joe blow with a regular Joe blow life, step right up.
Until next time,
Ruby xx
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