Check Yourself Don't Wreck Yourself
Something powerful comes from knowing your worth.
I've always pretended to have self confidence, but deep down underneath it all, I'm a total shambles. I used to think that if I lost enough weight, had whiter teeth, danced better, had blonder hair, was richer, etc than I'd be beautiful. I'd be desirable. I'd be worthy of love. But I tried all of that. I changed who I was and what I looked like more often than a stripper changes gstrings. And none of it changed how I felt inside. I was never good enough. For anyone. Or so I thought. It turns out that I really was just never good enough for myself.
But as I approach my 30th birthday, I realise I've wasted so much of my life caring way too fucking much about way too fucking little. And all of that mindguff has done nothing but lead me down dead end streets with dead end results.
I've let myself sink into a lovelife limbo in the hopes that my ex will wake up one day and realise he can't live without me, partly because I love him but mostly because I'm scared no one else will ever love me. So I held on well past the point of sanity and all it's ever done is beaten and battered my heart down more than it already was. Will anyone ever look at me with that spark in their eyes again?
I've held myself back from being the ridiculously goofy, sometimes funny and usually always life of the party girl that I truly am because I was scared to put myself out there in case I got rejected. What would people think?
I've avoided the opportunity of friendship with so many amazing people because friends of the past have fucked my asshole raw with cacti and it made me believe no one would ever want to be my REAL friend. Friends to me have usually always been users and abusers. Do people only want to be my friend when I can give them something?
All of these questions and experiences have broken me, more than once. But I'm a stubborn little fucker so every time I've fallen down, I've managed to scramble my way back up. And that has to mean something. My life has to mean something. I must mean something. So I've decided that it's time to start valuing myself. To appreciate all of my good points and forgive my bad. My flaws are only flaws if I let them beat me. I'm worth more than my crooked teeth, failed lovelife, presently-ugly-ginger hair, disastrous social life and extra lumps and bumps riding around on my midriff. I'm worth more than anything anyone has ever thought of me. Especially myself.
Until next time,
Ruby xx
I've always pretended to have self confidence, but deep down underneath it all, I'm a total shambles. I used to think that if I lost enough weight, had whiter teeth, danced better, had blonder hair, was richer, etc than I'd be beautiful. I'd be desirable. I'd be worthy of love. But I tried all of that. I changed who I was and what I looked like more often than a stripper changes gstrings. And none of it changed how I felt inside. I was never good enough. For anyone. Or so I thought. It turns out that I really was just never good enough for myself.
But as I approach my 30th birthday, I realise I've wasted so much of my life caring way too fucking much about way too fucking little. And all of that mindguff has done nothing but lead me down dead end streets with dead end results.
I've let myself sink into a lovelife limbo in the hopes that my ex will wake up one day and realise he can't live without me, partly because I love him but mostly because I'm scared no one else will ever love me. So I held on well past the point of sanity and all it's ever done is beaten and battered my heart down more than it already was. Will anyone ever look at me with that spark in their eyes again?
I've held myself back from being the ridiculously goofy, sometimes funny and usually always life of the party girl that I truly am because I was scared to put myself out there in case I got rejected. What would people think?
I've avoided the opportunity of friendship with so many amazing people because friends of the past have fucked my asshole raw with cacti and it made me believe no one would ever want to be my REAL friend. Friends to me have usually always been users and abusers. Do people only want to be my friend when I can give them something?
All of these questions and experiences have broken me, more than once. But I'm a stubborn little fucker so every time I've fallen down, I've managed to scramble my way back up. And that has to mean something. My life has to mean something. I must mean something. So I've decided that it's time to start valuing myself. To appreciate all of my good points and forgive my bad. My flaws are only flaws if I let them beat me. I'm worth more than my crooked teeth, failed lovelife, presently-ugly-ginger hair, disastrous social life and extra lumps and bumps riding around on my midriff. I'm worth more than anything anyone has ever thought of me. Especially myself.
Until next time,
Ruby xx
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