Dick From Dave
Dating is a lot like playing a game. There's usually two players (sometimes more depending on the game you like/how kinky you are), some set rules and a whole lot of moves to make before winning. Sometimes players cheat, sometimes they play fair. But for the most part, there's always a strategy involved. Especially when it comes to men.
I've seen and heard it all. The white lies. The empty gestures. The game plans whether they be fantastic, flawed or full of shit. I've been ego-patted, gift-showered and flat out accosted with sexual innuendos. In the world of online dating, sometimes I get virtual flowers, but most times I just get dick pics. If a guy makes a move, I can usually pick his game from a mile off. And it amazes me at just how few of us girls that can actually do the same. So I've put together a little list of the most obvious and outrageous players and their plays, and hopefully it'll arm the lasses with more of a fighting chance in the crazy game of love and lust.
#1
The Seduction Flashers.
These guys are pretty normal. Until they open their trench-coat and flash you their bits. They're usually master conversationalists/
#2
The Dine & Whiners.
You've been on three dates with him. He's pretty great. He says all the right things and makes all the right moves. Until you're standing outside your front door kissing goodnight and after brushing his hand from your tit for the 59 millionth time, he begins to whine. Like full on child packing a tanty because mummy said no icecream til after dinner whine. And it doesn't stop. Every time you talk he whinges, "buuuuuttttt iiiiiiiiii reeeeeaaallly wanna make love toooo yoooouuu". And eventually you get so tired of his shit you succumb. Or so he hopes.
#3
The Friendly Fucker.
These guys are one step away from the friendzone. But they never allow themselves to fall right on in. They walk the tightrope between friend and fuck. They're the guys you can talk to about anything and everything. They tell you that you look gorgeous. They applaud your victories and comfort you through your tragedies. They'll be the first ones to tell you whatever guy you're seeing isn't good enough for you. You'll think of them as a bestie. Until one night when you're both laying on the couch, full of Chinese and cheap beer, and he slips a hand around your waist. You let it slide because friends totally hug, right? But ignorance is invitation to him. From your waist his hand makes it's slow and almost inconspicuous way down to your vadge. And the minute his digits hit V-town, you turn to tell him no, and there goes his tongue straight down your throat. Sometimes you're rebounding, you feel sorry for him or you're just plain desperate, so you let Mr Handsy run amuck, all whilst knowing you'll probably never be friends again come morning.
#4
The Drunk Divers.
These guys sniff the so-drunk-anything-goes girls out quicker than I can find the hidden chocolate in the house. They're master divers, going deeper into the depths of female inebriation than other divers would dare. If you've ever been written off in a nightclub, there's a high chance you've met at least one. They troll the waters just waiting for their chance to dive in. Famous for their speed and ability to go under the radar from un-inebriated friends. One minute your bestie is wobbling in a corner, the next she's in a cab swapping saliva with some random. Moral of this story; always have a safety net when swimming with the sharks, leave no woman behind.
#5
Number Crunchers.
He's the guy that approaches 100 woman in a club knowing probability-wise, he's bound to find a taker. He's usually pretty drunk. Very handsy. And overly complimentary, to the point of being flat out ridiculous, "you're the spitting image of Beyonce". On the dancefloor, he'll come up from behind and grind until he's given the flick, and then he'll just move one girl over and try again. He's persistent, unyielding and usually undeterred. Until he grinds the wrong girl and her boyfriend smashes his face in with an empty handle. But don't worry, he'll be back on the dancefloor again the next night looking for a reciprocal grinder.
#6
The Frequent Flyer.
Usually an ex lover/boyfriend/husband. He's flown your airline so much that he's got your safety speech completely memorised. He knows every in and out you have. He uses this comfort-in-familiarity to his advantage. The minute you're flying solo, he'll magically swoop right back into your life. He either wants you back, or wants you on your back. The hard part here is trying to work out the destination your flight will take you. Don't let him be the pilot, you're the only pilot you have. Choose the landing point and journey with or without his crutch on your seat.
Until next time,
Ruby xx
I've seen and heard it all. The white lies. The empty gestures. The game plans whether they be fantastic, flawed or full of shit. I've been ego-patted, gift-showered and flat out accosted with sexual innuendos. In the world of online dating, sometimes I get virtual flowers, but most times I just get dick pics. If a guy makes a move, I can usually pick his game from a mile off. And it amazes me at just how few of us girls that can actually do the same. So I've put together a little list of the most obvious and outrageous players and their plays, and hopefully it'll arm the lasses with more of a fighting chance in the crazy game of love and lust.
#1
The Seduction Flashers.
These guys are pretty normal. Until they open their trench-coat and flash you their bits. They're usually master conversationalists/
#2
The Dine & Whiners.
You've been on three dates with him. He's pretty great. He says all the right things and makes all the right moves. Until you're standing outside your front door kissing goodnight and after brushing his hand from your tit for the 59 millionth time, he begins to whine. Like full on child packing a tanty because mummy said no icecream til after dinner whine. And it doesn't stop. Every time you talk he whinges, "buuuuuttttt iiiiiiiiii reeeeeaaallly wanna make love toooo yoooouuu". And eventually you get so tired of his shit you succumb. Or so he hopes.
#3
The Friendly Fucker.
These guys are one step away from the friendzone. But they never allow themselves to fall right on in. They walk the tightrope between friend and fuck. They're the guys you can talk to about anything and everything. They tell you that you look gorgeous. They applaud your victories and comfort you through your tragedies. They'll be the first ones to tell you whatever guy you're seeing isn't good enough for you. You'll think of them as a bestie. Until one night when you're both laying on the couch, full of Chinese and cheap beer, and he slips a hand around your waist. You let it slide because friends totally hug, right? But ignorance is invitation to him. From your waist his hand makes it's slow and almost inconspicuous way down to your vadge. And the minute his digits hit V-town, you turn to tell him no, and there goes his tongue straight down your throat. Sometimes you're rebounding, you feel sorry for him or you're just plain desperate, so you let Mr Handsy run amuck, all whilst knowing you'll probably never be friends again come morning.
#4
The Drunk Divers.
These guys sniff the so-drunk-anything-goes girls out quicker than I can find the hidden chocolate in the house. They're master divers, going deeper into the depths of female inebriation than other divers would dare. If you've ever been written off in a nightclub, there's a high chance you've met at least one. They troll the waters just waiting for their chance to dive in. Famous for their speed and ability to go under the radar from un-inebriated friends. One minute your bestie is wobbling in a corner, the next she's in a cab swapping saliva with some random. Moral of this story; always have a safety net when swimming with the sharks, leave no woman behind.
#5
Number Crunchers.
He's the guy that approaches 100 woman in a club knowing probability-wise, he's bound to find a taker. He's usually pretty drunk. Very handsy. And overly complimentary, to the point of being flat out ridiculous, "you're the spitting image of Beyonce". On the dancefloor, he'll come up from behind and grind until he's given the flick, and then he'll just move one girl over and try again. He's persistent, unyielding and usually undeterred. Until he grinds the wrong girl and her boyfriend smashes his face in with an empty handle. But don't worry, he'll be back on the dancefloor again the next night looking for a reciprocal grinder.
#6
The Frequent Flyer.
Usually an ex lover/boyfriend/husband. He's flown your airline so much that he's got your safety speech completely memorised. He knows every in and out you have. He uses this comfort-in-familiarity to his advantage. The minute you're flying solo, he'll magically swoop right back into your life. He either wants you back, or wants you on your back. The hard part here is trying to work out the destination your flight will take you. Don't let him be the pilot, you're the only pilot you have. Choose the landing point and journey with or without his crutch on your seat.
Until next time,
Ruby xx
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