Humiliatingly Hilariously Honest
A snapshot of traumatic/hilarious moments in my life that have ended unexpectedly positively. Thus proving that rock bottom humiliation has surprising benefits, you just have to know how to laugh at yourself first.
I once farted long and loud while sitting in front of the guy I really liked, and a bunch of other kids, and the wind of my ass made the wet togs I was wearing ripple across my left butt cheek. I thought my chances with hot dude were ruined. Turns out he thought I was funny and the next day we ended up hitting primary school third base; hand holding.
I have refused to eat seafood ever since I was a little kid. My parents told me fish fingers were made from chicken. I believed their treachery until I became the brunt of public laughter at dinner one night on a school camp. I proclaimed loudly that I didn't eat fish and then went on to eat fish fingers. I think I was like twelve. Definitely old enough to know better. Bright side is the knowledge that one day I'll traumatise/humiliate my own kids like that.
I tripped down a very long flight of stairs coming out of a nightclub one night. I was drunk so injuries were minimal and bigger bonus - when I stood up in front of the large crowd lined up waiting to get into the club, I decided to bow to them all. And on leaning over, I found a twenty dollar note on the ground that went on to buy one delicious kebab and a packet of painkillers for my broken body the next morning.
I accidentally sent a sexy photo to a massage client of mine instead of to my boyfriend. My client was apparently more embarrassed than I was so fortunately never rebooked and I never had to face him. It gave the bf and I a few/lot laughs.
My boob popped up out of my tankini in front of everyone while playing in/getting demolished by rough waves at the beach last year. I didn't notice for a while, apparently, but did wonder why a few people were giving me funny looks. Some random girl came up and told me that one of my ladies had snuck out and she then went on to say that the same thing happened to her a few hours ago and that she was glad she wasn't the only one having cleavage malfunctions in the rough surf that day. I told her I was a giver, and that she was welcome. My titslip was in solidarity for her titslip.
I once farted while getting a papsmear. It came out of my vadge when the doc inserted the speculum. We both had a giggle.
I've always told everyone that I never vomit while drinking, and 99% of the time, I'm speaking gospel truth. The other 1% of time is when I'm vomiting up orange juice and vodka all over my bfs head and shoulder in front of everyone. I learnt a very valuable lesson about not being such a cocky cunt that night.
And last but not least, after years of being in some very hard out moshpits to some of my favourite metal and hard rock bands, I finally had to tap out (ask the guards to lift me up and over the front barrier for freedom) during a My Chemical Romance gig because twelve year old fangirls are crazier than thirty-something year old metalheads. And when I was being lifted up, the button up dress I was wearing unbuttoned completely. Best part is, I made it on TV.
So you see, all these horrifyingly humiliating moments in our lives all have the potential to become amazing and entertaining stories and experiences later on. You just have to change the way you look at these events and remember that eeeeeeeeevery booooooddddyyyy farts..... sometimes.
Until next time,
Ruby xx
I once farted long and loud while sitting in front of the guy I really liked, and a bunch of other kids, and the wind of my ass made the wet togs I was wearing ripple across my left butt cheek. I thought my chances with hot dude were ruined. Turns out he thought I was funny and the next day we ended up hitting primary school third base; hand holding.
I have refused to eat seafood ever since I was a little kid. My parents told me fish fingers were made from chicken. I believed their treachery until I became the brunt of public laughter at dinner one night on a school camp. I proclaimed loudly that I didn't eat fish and then went on to eat fish fingers. I think I was like twelve. Definitely old enough to know better. Bright side is the knowledge that one day I'll traumatise/humiliate my own kids like that.
I tripped down a very long flight of stairs coming out of a nightclub one night. I was drunk so injuries were minimal and bigger bonus - when I stood up in front of the large crowd lined up waiting to get into the club, I decided to bow to them all. And on leaning over, I found a twenty dollar note on the ground that went on to buy one delicious kebab and a packet of painkillers for my broken body the next morning.
I accidentally sent a sexy photo to a massage client of mine instead of to my boyfriend. My client was apparently more embarrassed than I was so fortunately never rebooked and I never had to face him. It gave the bf and I a few/lot laughs.
My boob popped up out of my tankini in front of everyone while playing in/getting demolished by rough waves at the beach last year. I didn't notice for a while, apparently, but did wonder why a few people were giving me funny looks. Some random girl came up and told me that one of my ladies had snuck out and she then went on to say that the same thing happened to her a few hours ago and that she was glad she wasn't the only one having cleavage malfunctions in the rough surf that day. I told her I was a giver, and that she was welcome. My titslip was in solidarity for her titslip.
I once farted while getting a papsmear. It came out of my vadge when the doc inserted the speculum. We both had a giggle.
I've always told everyone that I never vomit while drinking, and 99% of the time, I'm speaking gospel truth. The other 1% of time is when I'm vomiting up orange juice and vodka all over my bfs head and shoulder in front of everyone. I learnt a very valuable lesson about not being such a cocky cunt that night.
And last but not least, after years of being in some very hard out moshpits to some of my favourite metal and hard rock bands, I finally had to tap out (ask the guards to lift me up and over the front barrier for freedom) during a My Chemical Romance gig because twelve year old fangirls are crazier than thirty-something year old metalheads. And when I was being lifted up, the button up dress I was wearing unbuttoned completely. Best part is, I made it on TV.
So you see, all these horrifyingly humiliating moments in our lives all have the potential to become amazing and entertaining stories and experiences later on. You just have to change the way you look at these events and remember that eeeeeeeeevery booooooddddyyyy farts..... sometimes.
Until next time,
Ruby xx
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