For Kiwis Jumping The Ditch
For any kiwis thinking about traveling across Australia, here's a few handy pointers;
1.
Check under every toilet seat. Use your foot for bonus points. Just trust me on this.
2.
Don't be afraid to take the road less traveled. Just make sure you've got roadside rescue because sitting in the middle of nowhere in desert-like heat is a wee bit of a holiday downer.
3.
Do not swim anywhere unless it's chlorinated. Sharks, crocs, jellyfish and snakes don't seem to like swimming pools.
4.
You might think sunblock is for pussies but just wait and see how tough you are when your nipples are peeling.
5.
If you're driving cross country, be prepared for a fuck load of nothing. Scenic routes usually mean hours of staring at dirt.
6.
Kangaroos suck. Don't let their cute confuse you. They're large suicidal assholes that rejoice in fucking your car's shit right up. Extra tip- drive when the sun is up, roos are apparently scared of the sun.
7.
Petrol prices hike up for the weekend. Stick it to the fuel man by buying your gas during the week.
8.
If you're a smoker, always buy them from the supermarket or a tobacco store. These guys are your only friends. Servos and convenience stores will try to steal from you whatever life the cigarettes haven't.
9.
Never, I repeat, never, trust a dude named Mick. Especially if he has a fondness for cutlery.
10.
Aborigines are amazing people. Try to visit at least one community or mission in your travels. You'll make more friends and have more dinner invitations than a female guard in a prison.
11.
If you dig chips and gravy, you're in luck.
12.
Don't ever be persuaded by the locals to say the word thongs. They're jandals. End of story.
13.
Buy your themepark passes off locals selling them on Gumtree or Facebook buy and sells. You'll have more money for $19 themepark hotdogs that way.
14.
If you're a clutz, or just naturally gifted in the art of accidents, buy the travel insurance. Just do it.
15.
Hold on to your native tongue for as long as humanly possible by conversing with your fellow countrymen whenever the occasion presents itself. The only thing worse than an Aussie accent is a mongrel Aussie/Kiwi accent. Trust this mongrel Aussie/Kiwi accent owner.
16.
There are more Kiwis at the Gold Coast than Aussies. If you're feeling homesick, walk along the beach and listen out for "eh" or "bro". These are your people.
17.
Take the trip up North. Cairns is everything that everyone has ever said it was, good and bad. But well worth the visit.
18.
Brace yourself for bland asf food. Meat, dairy, fruit and veg will never taste as good as they do back home. Better luck next time Australia.
19.
Never forget that the Finn brothers are from NZ. Just like pavlova, pineapple lumps, Phar Lap, rugby and greatness in general.
20.
Buy a Telstra sim. They are the only ones that seem to have given two fucks about you being able to actually use your phone when not in the middle of a city.
Until next time,
Ruby xx
1.
Check under every toilet seat. Use your foot for bonus points. Just trust me on this.
2.
Don't be afraid to take the road less traveled. Just make sure you've got roadside rescue because sitting in the middle of nowhere in desert-like heat is a wee bit of a holiday downer.
3.
Do not swim anywhere unless it's chlorinated. Sharks, crocs, jellyfish and snakes don't seem to like swimming pools.
4.
You might think sunblock is for pussies but just wait and see how tough you are when your nipples are peeling.
5.
If you're driving cross country, be prepared for a fuck load of nothing. Scenic routes usually mean hours of staring at dirt.
6.
Kangaroos suck. Don't let their cute confuse you. They're large suicidal assholes that rejoice in fucking your car's shit right up. Extra tip- drive when the sun is up, roos are apparently scared of the sun.
7.
Petrol prices hike up for the weekend. Stick it to the fuel man by buying your gas during the week.
8.
If you're a smoker, always buy them from the supermarket or a tobacco store. These guys are your only friends. Servos and convenience stores will try to steal from you whatever life the cigarettes haven't.
9.
Never, I repeat, never, trust a dude named Mick. Especially if he has a fondness for cutlery.
10.
Aborigines are amazing people. Try to visit at least one community or mission in your travels. You'll make more friends and have more dinner invitations than a female guard in a prison.
11.
If you dig chips and gravy, you're in luck.
12.
Don't ever be persuaded by the locals to say the word thongs. They're jandals. End of story.
13.
Buy your themepark passes off locals selling them on Gumtree or Facebook buy and sells. You'll have more money for $19 themepark hotdogs that way.
14.
If you're a clutz, or just naturally gifted in the art of accidents, buy the travel insurance. Just do it.
15.
Hold on to your native tongue for as long as humanly possible by conversing with your fellow countrymen whenever the occasion presents itself. The only thing worse than an Aussie accent is a mongrel Aussie/Kiwi accent. Trust this mongrel Aussie/Kiwi accent owner.
16.
There are more Kiwis at the Gold Coast than Aussies. If you're feeling homesick, walk along the beach and listen out for "eh" or "bro". These are your people.
17.
Take the trip up North. Cairns is everything that everyone has ever said it was, good and bad. But well worth the visit.
18.
Brace yourself for bland asf food. Meat, dairy, fruit and veg will never taste as good as they do back home. Better luck next time Australia.
19.
Never forget that the Finn brothers are from NZ. Just like pavlova, pineapple lumps, Phar Lap, rugby and greatness in general.
20.
Buy a Telstra sim. They are the only ones that seem to have given two fucks about you being able to actually use your phone when not in the middle of a city.
Until next time,
Ruby xx
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