Once a Slut...

I've never been shy about my past. I've done things I'm embarrassed about and things I regret, but there's nothing I can do to change what's already been done so I know not to beat myself up for my faults or mistakes. One of the things that people seem to judge me for the most is my sexual history and my openness about it. I LOVE sex. More than most men do even. I think it's the best thing about being a human being. Nothing beats sex. The feeling. The connection. The release. The love. But it wasn't always so special to me. In the beginning it was just a means to an end.

I felt unloved and unworthy of love for most of my life and I went looking for it in all the wrong bedrooms. I mistook lust for love and became more and more desperate in my search for romance and fulfillment. I was a late bloomer, my first time was when I was just about 18. I had just changed schools and was hanging out with a girl that did drugs and had dodgy friends. One of her friends, a guy called Miles who I ended up calling Moles because his pasty white tummy was covered in black hairy moles (ick), asked me out and wanting to fit in, I said yes. One night he got me wasted and convinced me to sleep with him. It lasted all of 30secs and after he said "oh o" and I said "was that it?". I ended up dating another guy from school and eventually Moles worked out I was two-timing him. He came to my work to talk to me about it but I didn't even care. I told him I didn't like him and carried on working like nothing happened. His mate Roman stopped in when my shift was finishing to talk to me about how Moles was hurting, and we ended up having sex in his car. I told you I was insatiable and unscrupulous.

Roman became a regular thing. He had a nice body which helped me forget about his carrot-coloured hair. He was a couple years older and taught me a lot sexually. But when he sung "Beautiful Soul" to me, I knew it was time to move on. I moved to the big smoke of Hamilton and left Roman in my dust. I still think about him now and then. I genuinely did like him, and I do feel bad about ending things so abruptly but looking back on where my head was at, I think I did him a favour by running.

Hamilton had night clubs. Finding random men was easy. And I became very good at hooking and landing regular lads. I got so good at seduction, I never even had to buy my own drinks. It didn't phase me what I was doing. I didn't think much about it. It became normal to me. I would sleep with any guy I wanted, and after a little while I started getting wiser and pickier. I'd seduce the richer looking men. They would buy me more drinks and would usually always pay for my cab home. One night a workmate and I caught up with her boyfriend's older brother, "Ben". He worked in the mines and wasn't shy about flashing his cash. He became a regular thing for me. We made out and dirty danced but always went our separate ways once the club closed. And then one night I finally succumbed to his whinging (didn't want to lose my guaranteed drink-buyer) and went home with him. He lived in the next city which was about 40mins drive and on the way there he leaned in and asked "you don't mind if I have a girlfriend do you?". I was pissed off. Not because he had a girlfriend but because he had pulled the wool over my eyes. I told him I wasn't going to sleep with him. When we got to "his" house me and another girl (who one of the other guys had brought home) went into the shed where we thought we were all drinking. The boys took off and left us there. I was beyond livid. I took all the beer (2x 24 bottles) and tipped them out into the garden. I found a hoodie and grabbed the cds sitting on the stereo. I trashed the shed and walked out with the girl unsure of my next move. We got down the driveway and a car pulled up. A guy got out and asked "where are you girls going?". I recognized the man as a friend of the rich miner.

His name was Ricardo (not really but let's just pretend it is lol) and he looked like the lead singer of Smashing Pumpkins. He had gorgeous baby blue eyes, a sexy wicked smirk and one hell of a bod. Later that night I jumped him. We spent 2 days in bed only getting up to use the toilet. He was an amazing lover and I fell head over heels for him hard and fast. This man was the same man I ended up dating for nearly a decade. His friend that ditched me was named Ben. His girlfriend Aisley went on to become a good friend of mine. I came clean about what happened but Ben convinced her that it was the girlfriend before her that he cheated on. They're now married with kids. Ricardo was the love of my life and I changed my ways to be with him. I never cheated on him which was a first for me. He changed me for the better. He saved me from myself. And for him, I'll always be grateful.

I've now been single for nearly a year, and haven't been with anyone else sexually since my ex. I really REALLY miss having sex but I'm not the same girl that I was before I met Ricardo. Now I know I'm worth more than just being some guys drunken one night stand. I deserve more. I deserve intimacy and cuddling and connecting more than just physically with a man. So I've decided to remain celibate until I found a guy that's worth my time and my libido.

I've slept with close to 50 odd men in my life. Tonight I read an article about the "perfect" number in regards to previous sexual partners and the studies show that people prefer their partners to have only slept with 10-12 people in their past. Guess that's me fucked then hey 😂 Numbers have never worried me though. We all have a past and none of us are perfect. The only thing that matters to me is the present and how that will shape my future. I used to be promiscuous but that doesn't make me any less worthy of love than someone whose only slept with 10-12 people. I can't stand slut shaming. It's incredibly destructive because it focuses on what's been done and cannot be changed. It's flat out harassment and abuse and not the constructive criticism or a gateway to abstinence that asshats try to paint it out to be. Judging someone for their past is one of the most emotionally-damaging things you can do to a person. So what if I was a slut, does that make your life any worse off? Does my sexual history have anything to do with you? Do I care what you think of me?

Yes, I might have been a slut once upon a time, but just think of it like this; I'm extremely experienced. And I've had lots of practice. So really you should be befriending me not belittling me. I have secrets that can change your life, and your lovelife, forever.

Until next time,
Ruby xx